My mind and soul burst into flames after 5AM this morning. It is excruciating and definitely making me go out of control. I'm no longer thinking logically - words spoken, ideas hinted don't make no more sense to me.
My temperature has risen beyond what the scale can register.
I need to get this out of the system before I say or do something drastic and dramatic. Bloggers, thanks for listening. :wink:
I turned around as he said sorry in a guilty whisper. I could've sworn tears trickled from his face before he waved a little, turned, then ran. He fought against the wind and tears as he was brushing his arms across the face. I just stared at him and into the distance.
It was almost like a scene out of Hollywood. The grey clouds cast an uncannily soft shadow of him onto the ground. It was mid-day, so where was the sun?
And there was the wind, I recalled, vividly sweeping my hair from side to side, with a howling that ringed in my ears. I hesitated, then took a couple of steps. He ran.
The wind kicked up dust from the street corners. It wasn't as typical here, but somehow, the roads were almost clear. Everyone seemed to be going into hiding from the coming rain. And it started to drizzled.
He must have stopped at some point, for I stood and watched him for a long time. He never really disappeared. I continued my pace - it wasn't slow, not even delibrate, just hesitant.
The drops gathered and pelted down like needles of ice, and I, a hot pan. It sizzled. Then I saw, he raised his arms right up, and I heard him scream. Then, he knelt, still screaming in pain. The sort of scream we've seen in countless soap operas - yes, it was that scream. And, like the script, he hung his head and burried it in his hands.
I took my time to reach him. The rain was a rage by then, and I could only squint to keep my eyes on him. It was cold, with the unbelievably strong winds howling ever so loudly, I thought I was insane. A couple of cars sped past, drenching the already drenched me with puddles on the road. I pressed on.
I heard the thunder, and his voice - a horrendous mix of lows and mids with the winds completing the highs. It was a symphony of terror. The passing cars added the occasional percussive hiss, and his voice the vocals of pain and suffering. Darn, I'm gonna catch a cold.
As I neared him, I picked up the wallet he had dropped before he stopped. Opening it was easy, but looking into that picture he stored in the front was nerving. He had kept our picture for the last 3 years in his wallet. The date said so. And Pasir Ris was a bad place to be caught in the rain.
Not to say it was all that dramatic, but lightning did flash in the distance and the thunder rolled, fading in our direction. As I approached, he was crying.
I called out, and he sprang up, as if running off in a race. i stopped him vocally. We stood in our places shivering for a good 5 minutes.
Many, many thoughts ran through my head. The only summary was, "Why?"
He finally turned around, not wanting to look at me. I stepped forward and handed out the wallet. He cried harder, I walked closer, and he whispered sorry yet again.
"I think I should say that... sorry."
He refused to look at me. The roads went empty, but a bus headed our way. I pulled him to the sidewalk and squeezed him hard on the shoulders. I wasn't sure if that was assuring enough, but he responded with a wipe across the face. I suppose he wanted to push my hand away, but instead, he wiped his face.
His nose were pink and lips slightly parted. I could feel his heavy breadths. "Hey. Things are cool."
It must have been days on end that I have been distraught over everything. Have been sleeping on my sofa in a leaky room to the sounds of the machine drone, pondering and pondering back to back on what's to come.
What made it all worse was stumbling upon an old friend's text. It stopped me dead on my tracks feeling so un-learned, un-educated, under-achieved.
Not that I have failed transparent, but moving on seems to have taken a new direction.
The couple of writings I read represented a simple fundamental - the focus of the mind that relates directly to the simplicity of want. I want many things, he wanted on a few things. There isn't any basis for comparison: he has built a solid foundation without pursuing the possibilities of building it on; I have built a quick foundation and looked ahead, moving along.
So what went wrong? Was there too little time for me to build my foundation on my wants? Or was he too trapped in pursuing his basics?
I have many question that can be answered as I stumbled along. He had many answers that no questions could further explore. We are both trapped. At the intellectual level, he has deepened his understanding, I am exploring. On a realistic level, he is conservative, I am liberal and idealistic.
[LINE]
I sat watching Joshua across the table at some out of town coffeshop, just chatting. Business. A group of kids ran along the pavement by the side and started playing their special little secret games. The youngest probably about 4.
One of the little girls stood by the side, watching the others and their play. She broke a little smile each time the others squealed. I sat wondering why she didn't join in.
She did occasionally, but retreated to her own explorations of the surroundings so very often.
And she would smile each time the rest screams in excitement.
Visually, it must have been stunning. Audibly, it must have been joyful. Personally, it must have been beautiful. :wink:
4 years. That's how long its been. And I just have to break the record with my 2nd car accident.
I'm just too engrossed in my thoughts to the extend everything around me becomes Anime. In case anyone's wondering, I'm good. Alive and well.
-- Angel's Flight
In about 8 hours, she's outta here. I'm beginning to fret. Not that I've got nothing better to do, but still water runs deep. Will be looking forward to her return on the 17th afternoon. Hope things run well in between, though video conferencing ain't really my favourite method of communication.
An Angel On My Bed
Was digging into my camera when I discovered some pictures my sis took during her trip to Ubin last week. Notice some of the likeness in picture compositions with mine. I think it's rubbing off alittle. More of the pictures on the side bars.
Seventy cents to be precise. Was at the local prata shop with Joshua and the bill came close to a twenty. Not bad considering 4 drinks, 4 pratas, and a pack of cigarettes.
We had a little chat, over just about everything. The doco is almost finished, and we're really excited about that. The only deal was how we are beginning to percieve ourselves. Somehow, the engines turn, but slows down pretty fast. A party ain't a party when there aren't guests, and slippers definitely don't come just one side.
--- It's beginning to take its toil on us. We've been working too long alone, and Nightsound's disbandment isn't helping. We actually deduced our lower creative output attributed to working singular. Being in a team definitely helps pull more ideas together, after generating tons.
Well, it's the time of the year. 5 years is indeed, a long time. We're definitely 'changed' for all these years. :wink:
That's what I'm doing. The pure ecstacy of holding back, seated butt, trying to imagine the final outcome. It's more than ecstacy...it's ecstatic! It's seriously boring.
Last check on the conversion was 12mins. After 33mins before, after 25mins times two the amount of time to just dump the video out. Why can't things be made a little faster.
[LINE]
My brother came back from Hong Kong 2 days back and he's leaving in a couple of hours. Strangely, he appeared outta the blue to maximise his promotional savings on travelling. How queer, thought he was one of those gung ho, no-nonsense kinda guy.
Either way, am glad to see him.
[LINE]
People, check out the Shrek 2 trailer!
[LINE]
I wonder if I can conjure up another story in 9 mins. Hmm...that was how long it took for the bridge to be built after the panels been laid. I built bridges during my combat days. Weather used to be a breeze to handle when you're out in the sun and any breeze, even those who run by you, that draft, was luxurious.
We built in small teams for the smaller bridges. Tons of metal cranky all over. My team were on after the previous one was done. We did it neat, just not too sure if it could actually hold.
By the time the third team was halfway thru, a commotion came up. I was half dazed from all that heat and sweat, and I could only make up in the distance that somebody was injured. We couldn't really make out at that distance, but somebody got his toe squashed under the weight of wooden planks. Next thing I knew, we were back in our rooms just shedding the gear out.
Hated those days when you have absolutely nothing to look forward to. Day after day, bridge after bridge. It didn't drive us crazy, it just made us not quite sane. You go out, you walk along any bridge, and you just wanna get off.
In my final days, I saw a whole new group of builders. I was training them to become tough for themselves. Any mistake could be life-threatening. Yes, it was deadly, but it was a job. And that job has to be done, by somebody.
Whatever it may be, I wish those days never to haunt anyone else ever.
Was at the nearby bar when I heard a beer can hit the floor. It jumped a few times like jellybean before somebody picked it up. A lady apparently toppled the empty can by accident.
I left the bar, thinking nothing else was gonna happen. As I stepped into the corner, a little boy came up to me. He's probably about 12? Nice features, physique, and most importantly, beautiful big brown eyes. He was lost I think, and he's stopped to ask me for directions.
"Sorry, can I know where I am?"
"Well, where are you going?"
He said he got separated from his folks after dinner due to the large crowds earlier on. They were suppose to be heading home.
I fished out my mobile and asked if he wanted to make a call to his mom or dad. Then he looked worried. He couldn't remember the number. I chuckled, thinking how silly that was, but apologised when he looked serious. I told him to calm down and don't panic, got him an ice-cream cone so that he can think better. All the while, I just sat by his side, thinking how badly his folks must be feeling.
"Ah! I can call my home! The maid's home!"
And so he did. And he got the dad's number. And he called his dad. Okay...sorry, alittle mundane here. Nothing special anyway.
The boy than said he'll meet them further down the corner. I wished him good night, but just as I turned to walk down the road, he tucked at my shirt from the back and said something I thought I wouldn't ever hear in this lifetime:
"Thank you sir, I think you must be an Angel! Bye!" And off he ran, like a little angel.
It's been the horrible weather that's making me all disorientated. A storm is brewing, I can feel it. The air is heavy with the smell of it.
[LINE]
I dragged my feet a little on the way home. Never got to do what I intended to do, and instead, fell out over very minute things. I ended up sitting here blogging, not exactly bitching, but harping over things.
Was trying to remember some things that I have forgotten a long time. Whatever it was, it sure bit me through and through. I figured it wouldn't be more than a chipped nail exposing the flesh, but somehow, it didn't settle, but more than stirred my emotions.
Then it came to me. A night at the train station, staring out into the darkness with spots of lights from kerosene lamps. Run down houses that were homes to many under-priviledged children - poor water supply, no electricity, and pratically infested with mosquitoes. It was the night I got off at the JB station, just to stretch a little before the train continues on to KL.
I saw a mother in one of the houses patting the baby to sleep. It just made me remember mom.
The whistle sounded and I hoisted myself back on. The lights were dim as I briefly struggled to get back to my bed - a little double decker along two rows of double deckers on both sides of the cabin, with a curtain the only means of privacy.
I couldn't sleep that night. The rocking wasn't keeping me up. It was why I was leaving. I thought about it for a long time, I needed to run.
[i]Did you see the sun? Coming through the windows? Your eyes seem so clear Did you feel the wind on your face?[/i]
The sun was coming up as I watched tile roofs and tree tops whizz by. The train was slow, but at where I was, and how I was feeling, I hoped it could all stop. As the first ray of sunlight hit my eyes, I revelled in its warmth. Things just seemed to be growing all around. The shadows formed, the mist rised, and the clouds gathered. I could almost smell the morning dew. I think I DID.
And that's all there is! I wanna take part in a fabulous song composing contest and I ain't eligible - just cos of ONE bit of the rule - I'm a member of a particular society. Otherwise, I'm all eligible.
How darn duh can it get?
[LINE]
There's been some comments on my NZ friend's post. Sorry guys, its fiction. Not trying to be rotten, but I just wanted to tell a story. My humblest apologies if it made some of you uncomfortable.
Oh, I suddenly feel so relaxed after a small round at Mustafa, 1am in the morning! So what if I'm a sucker for shopping huh.
Did you know you can get a keyboard for less than 10 bucks? and a mouse under 5? Oh, check out the photo-papers...they are generally 2 bucks cheaper. On the way out, pick up a couple of sports accessories like air-pumps - they come in colors, sizes... and not anything beyond 10. Bless the gang, they still sell old Nintendo game cartridges with 4-in-1 or 10-in-1 games. CD storage bags are going for 100-pc bag at under 20, and new jewel cases are 20 for under 7 bucks.
-- Only browsed the IT sections.
Talk about computer accessories, mics and ear/headphones are 10 bucks and below; all small items like CD/VCD/DVD Player cleaners can be gotten below 10 as well. Try not to go for printers, fax, LCD monitors, CD/DVD writers, ink cartridges, and other more profiled items - they are approximately 5% more than Sim Lim.
Electronics and home appliances are a steal though. Keep going! :wink:
I used to think it was easy to fly. Flap my wings hard and fast and off I go into the skies where anyone can take flight.
Was wrong, am wrong, will very much be wrong.
For so long, to have fought for what I believed in very quickly came to naught. It's like a trapeze that swung and broke. No entertainment, and definitely no deliberation. It's what we all call - reality.
It must have been an inspirational day/night that I thought it would be nice to dream whatever I wanted to dream. Doing music - performing, writing, composing - and working in a group where people do not despise what I did or how I did it. I thought I belonged.
In a twist of events, the whole believe cumbled like a stack of cards. Not only did I lose this believe, all the previous attempts to justify and make it happen all seem redundant and dysfunctional - there was never a place for it. How then can the thesis work?
[LINE]
Theory of the passionate life boils down to the individuals: one must think that he/she is a part of bigger picture, thereafter think that he/she can contribute to the bigger picture to complete a full picture. In this sense, the full picture is what the individual deems to be the ideal world, encouraging he/she to passionately embrace this ideal world.
It could be of material, artistic, political, or individualistic nature, thereby inciting a series of actions which brings forth this nature of things, and subsequently, forming the ideal world.
In simplicity, an individual lusts/yearns to put him/herself in his/her own world, strictly interacting with those around him/her to create the ideal world. Such is the burning desire for the Passionate Life.
Take a beggar by the street for example. The motivation to stay on the streets can be purely material - to get as much donations off passerbys to eventually be able to eat, keep warm, or find shelter. Exceptional cases aside, the thesis reigns because of a nature that makes the beggar interact with those around him who would support his cause, thus creating an equation that leads to the passionate life. Equilibrium can or can not be reach. It does not matter since equilibrium was, and is, non-existant to begin with.
In another instance, historical dictators pursue political powers that can otherwise be used to subdue weaker nations/individuals. Much can be said of the same of the victims. The dictator persistently pursues power, while the victims relentless pursue peace. If there were no victims, the dictators wouldn't possess power, and vice versa. This interaction has a consistent equilibrium which is adjusted by the severity and conditioning of either the dictator or the victim. However, the desire to gain a goal is evident in both groups.
Justifying the desire can be broken down into 3 factors: 1. how much the goal is wanted; 2. how much interaction is achieved; 3. how far the individual will go to pursue his/her goals, which may include all forms of actions.
So before you decide whether or not you are Passionate about Life, the answer is obvious. You are.
[LINE]
My favourite restaurant has closed for more than a year now. I remember faithfully chasing after them each time they move the business. From Bukit Timah to Serangoon, subsequently to Telok Ayer, I was a member and a loyal customer.
The thing that really hooked me in was their fried chicken wings and over-baked mussels. The salads were delectable, not to mention their escargoes which Angel still missed till today. Hot favourites amongst us were the pizzas and their flavored sodas. Couldn't quite remember the last visit, but as far as I recall, we only knew they were closing, but not too sure when.
It really started when I was still doing my Dip and had to save to drink there. Then slowly eat there, and finally frequent there. Big Apple Cafe. If you guys ever open again, let me know! :wink:
Okay...me and my itchy fingers. Was trying out the tfriends function and added maestro by mistake. And since the request is sent, might as well extend the invite!
Not much happening today. It was just pretty much the usuals. A birthday dinner with Angel down at Mr Bean's, then some shopping at Great World City. PS was packed to the brim, couldn't even get past the carpark barriers, so didn't even make it there.
I guess I'm still homey. Being broke can't make much out of a man.
I've secretly been working on a couple of things, despite all that has happened, closed back into my own world.
It was getting calm once again. I walked to the kitchen with an empty mug in my hand and had it filled. The sun couldn't come through the room windows with those heavy curtains, but it sure permeated the dining hall with enough to sting the eyes.
I gulped the water down. It was close to 2pm. I hit the showers with a cigarette in my hand and pondered about life. Traffic passed by slowly in the background as the splattering of water filled the ears. I sighed.
Many things have come to pass, yet, I'm still standing only as a minor role for the audience. The star in me had since faded into shadows I can no longer make out. It felt pitiful, yet surreal.
The door bells rang as I shut the tap. With a towel wrapped round my waist and water trickling down the face, I reached for the door. It was the mailman. As I dotted after my signature, he handed me a little brown package with my name on a sticker over layers of plastic tape. I thanked him, sat the package down, changed up, and remembered time. I was to be out shopping with my sis at the local IT mall.
As I unlocked the door, mom called. She had forgotten about waking me up, but it was late anyway. I briefly hung up, and noticed the brown package. "I have a few minutes..." I thought, and took off the boots again.
I unwrapped the package with much difficulty - with so much tape over it, it must have been a really thorough check through the customs. I shook the box as I continued to unwrap, a little clunk could be heard. Something fragile was inside. As I neared the end, I could smell the fragrance of Vanilla - the sort you would remember vividly running through the fields in the warm afternoon sun.
And then it hit me - it was a package from New Zealand. I had only one friend in New Zealand. It must be from him.
The box opened, the tapes unwovened, squashed newspapers lined the walls on every side. A familiar flower sat on top, still fresh from the tight seal. Strangely.
I picked up the flower and breathed it in. Vanilla. Memories of bellying the tyre-swing off the huge tree came flooding in: we counted clouds, built stone-men, and kicked paddles near the glistening pond with brown-necked ducks. It felt nostalgic. I choked. Lit another cigarette and started on the newspapers.
Piece by piece I picked them out. Old nonetheless, but still new. Then I saw it - the broken figurine of Mozart.
"If you ever receive this, I'm probably in heaven watching you!"
"Oh c'mon! Don't say that! You'll be okay!"
That was our parting words at the airport. As the planes flew past the terminal, we hugged and promised to be in touch. I remembered tears welled in both our eyes as mom ushered me into the gate, while Zee's mom hugged him from behind. We traced our eyes and waved unendingly till we could not see past the counters and adults and trolleys and chairs and walls. I could not sleep on the plane I recall.
A little card sat waiting at the bottom. It was from Zee's mom.
"Sorry dear, Zee was too weak to write. The last thing he wanted me to do was to send this to you within the next 24hrs. He said he'll wait for your call. Love, Aunt Joan. 7th April, 3pm."
I check the package arrival time immediately, it was stamped at 2pm. My clock showed 2:55pm. Without a thought, I scrambled for the phone and dialled the full array of numbers with tears forming.
The call went through after much connection clicks, then, Aunt Joan greeted me.
"Aunt Joan! Where's Zee?"
A silence ensued. Then I heard sobbing.
"I'm sorry dear, he's just too weak to talk... and I can't bring the phone in..."
"Can you call me from the room?"
"Alright... let's hang up first"
"Yes m'am!" And I hung up. And I waited.
The phone rang.
"Hello? Aunt Joan? hello?"
Heavy breathing filled the earpiece, and a voice, a really weak voice started cracking, "... hey... "
"Zee! Zee what's happening?"
"... hey... no... ... hellos... ....?"
I nearly fainted. What kinda joke is that at this time? "Zee!" I shouted, half crying, "I got the package man! You aren't gonna leave me behind man!"
"... love ... ya ... man ... ... sorry..." The next thing I knew, Aunt Joan came back on the phone, "hey, the doctor's here to see how he's doing..." Aunt Joan broke down, "he's not gonna make it..."
I went speechless. I hung on the phone till they finally pronounced him dead. I could hear his struggles over the phone, I heard crying, I hear wailing, I heard him die.
Sam, Zee's brother finally spoke to me last, and promised to send me some pictures of his final resting place. Then we hung up.
I re-composed myself. Zee had seen all this coming. He had prepared me for this. I kept the souvenirs back in the box and left the house.
The sky was clear, clouds everywhere; the sun was warm, casting beautiful shadows everywhere; the flower sat in my shirt pocket, the smell of vanilla everywhere.
By the time this hits X years, I might use every single word in the English dictionary as subject headers! :wink:
It feels rash, but somehow, it doesn't. I feel relatively composed. Was talking to Angel over dinner about my feelings over Nightsound, but halfway, I stopped. She was listening, but somehow, not listening.
Tried asking Joshua about the email I sent to the team regarding the disbandment, he said he was stoned. I just kept driving over to Eric's.
I guess it's cause and effect. A 5-year struggle to make sense of what we're about finally came down to this - speechless. So am I. I've become speechless. I've actually said only a quarter of whatever I was thinking for the last 2 days, anywhere, anytime, except when I met Wayne earlier. He was having a bad headache, and I was trying to cheer him on. But that's about.
Guess that's why I'm throwing it all here.
I haven't heard much from anyone, other than strictly business with a dash of humour to lighten the mood and some greetings to soften the talk. Other than that, I'm just doing the walk.
-- Ever wondered how we can sit in front of the AI and just waiting for someone to message you on ICQ, messenger, or some chat module, when in fact you didn't wanna chat? And then someone messages, you say you ain't in the mood to chat. Yet, the module is on, and you hope someone messages. Humans are vain attention seekers! :wink:
Parking here is free so far. And I'm liking it. It's like a little acove to hide from anyone, anytime.
[LINE]
I had a couple of nightmares over the weekend till monday night. Somehow, I knew they were somekind of prophecies - it gave way to a whole bunch of unpleasant events these few days. Hope there is a plesant dream tonight.
[LINE]
Been pretty wordy the last few posts. I actually take time to read through just to make sure there aren't any grave grammatical and spelling errors. Ridiculous.
Will be adding some new pictures soon - probs the ones I've taken the last couple of days. Will have to wait till Joshua is done helping me scan them in. Will put them up soonest possible to make all these seem lesser burdened. Then again, I am wordy.
-- I'm actually just typing away while burning VCDs of my sister's volunteer trip video in Cambodia.
[i]Likeness - there's a likeness In the wicked dreams and wilful thoughts I am weak I am not strong ... Likeness - in between the pelting rain, the sunless skies I'm not glad but I feel high Likeness - a senseless kiss so moodless in the night Goodness for which to find[/i]
[i][b]When we were together, we never need to cry And it seems to be over, we could never say why And time, has come, to say goodbye To be where we were, apart ... It's gonna be alright[/i][/b]
Sleepiness setting in. I'm finally off Lady, heading out early tomorrow to shop with sis, Anne. Later in the night out with Angel to celebrate her birthday.
Now that sounded like a line from a short film I did! :wink:
Maybe I should start using some other Emoticons! :wink:
Was playing around with Kevin's new song "Morning Dew". Screwing around won't exactly make it sound right, but yeah, was pretty much doing that to his piece. Just having fun I guess.
I'm feeling the pressure of hiding. I need to get out. Am contemplating staying up all the way till dawn then making my way to Eric's company's studio to help set it up. Shoud I at all? Maybe. Maybe not. i dunno. Maybe that's why I'm here. I feel so lonely. Seems like I can only talk to air - the last medium that listens these days.
Trying to think of a joke. :wink:
Nope. None came. Sorry. Hey! I got 117 tbucks! Anyone needs a donation? Hmm...along those lines, I need some real money. Rupiah wouldn't be so bad.
Suddenly feel like crying. Feeling so pathetic. If there is one thing I want to do now is to recover, go back 15 years, stay there, never come back. Be a boy forever. Or maybe shuttle 30 years ahead, prepare to be yesterday's news?
I've done everything I can to hold on to what I believe in. The passion, the love, the dream, the hope. Till now, it feels like as if it didn't quite make it. The team was a motivational tool that propelled me forward everytime I fall down, but to know that it actually made the rest felt obliged, I'm so guilty. What was it that possibly went wrong? Was it the ideals? Or just simply the way I handled things?
Who doesn't have a temper? But if it ain't an excuse, it's probably the reason. I remember being stuck in a particular session that went on, and on, with sarcastic talents, abusive producers, and doubtful bosses. I gritted on - 6 times I counted I wanted to give up. The abusive language was just simply too abrasive, and to make matters worse, the clients brought the wrong tapes. Who is so silly to bring in NTSC? We use PAL in this country.
So from 10am till 8pm, I skipped breakfast, lunch, and finally had my takeaway lunch for dinner at 8pm. It was a brunchner. Angel called at about 7 plus, and I begged her to come down and keep me company. The producers left slightly after 8pm, told me I was probably the most patient around, and patted me on the back. Angel got in after that and when I saw her, I just broke. She was holding 2 cups of ice cream, but I couldn't be bothered. I just hugged her and cried. She consoled me with her melting ice-cream, and calmed me.
I just remember munching the food thereafter with momentary tears as food enhancement fluids.
But that's the thing. I told myself, if I live through this, I would live on better geared. Not everyone understands that. Few of you probably. When pressure mounts and tensions taunts, it's really easy to become afraid and run.
[LINE]
Well, that's that. Over a long time ago. I hope time erodes everything bad and unpleasant - including Nightsound's finale. I've just been thinking how I should now contribute to those around me. Or maybe I should just give up altogether, do what you want, I'm just a passenger.
Strangely, there's this period-drama earlier on. The lead was carrying a fairy-friend on his back and he said something along the lines of good deeds doesn't necessarily reward. And then he got rewarded. If it works as such, I think I'm very naive. Never a free lunch, hardly a good bunch.
And that bunch is now gone. For good.
Depressing as it may seem, I personally think there's some silver lining - I can finally not be held responsible for alot of things. Isn't that nice? Life without responsibilities.
[LINE]
Lady is still my choice of bedtime music. I dunno why. Maybe it's the words, maybe it's the melody, or it could just simply be the song before everything started to disappear.
Or am I self-centred.
Time cometh to a standstill. And I'm now measured in micrograms.
Was creatively printing pictures and heavily working on framing them up since yesterday morning, so that I can put them up on the walls around the house which I did earlier on. Excitedly asked my sis for some comments - messy. That's all she said. She feels the whole house is already messy. And I'm adding on to it.
Yesterday evening Dad came home and just screamed at me about my boots at the door. He was just pissed when I've left my boots at the door for as long as we lived here? Mom practically disappeared the whole day today. Wonder where she went.
Last night was at supper with Joshua. We didn't talk much. He was deep in thoughts. I was just staring at him deep in thoughts.
I've practically closed myself in. Met Joshua ealier on for supper again. Wanted to just grab my photos but he started talking about how he couldn't find a place for the exhibition. I listened, and just ended up at the coffeeshop. But the same thing again, so I just left him to his thoughts.
Finished my email to the team about half an hour ago, done my upkeeping on the forums. I feel silly again. And alone. If not for Angel who came over earlier, would have felt worse.
Now that I have cleared up everyone's dark clouds about Nightsound, I think they should be really relieved.
Well, if so, good. If not, too bad. What can I do? :wink:
I've been peeking at blogs all over, seems like its a really depressing sought of thing to do - people are sharing most of how bad their lives are. Surprise...I'm one of them.
I've noticed a really huge change in myself lately. It seems I've been commenting very much less, participating in trivial talk, and not preaching about a lot of things that I believe no more. Not that I wanna stop, but somehow, that energy seems zapped.
And the worst thing - I am actually bitching about others quite a bit. Somebody stop me!~
It's been a week, 2 days and counting since we've completed the arrangements and recording for Lady, minus some features. It's crazy, I've never heard the same song for more than 3 days in a row, yet, I've played this song at home, in the car, in front of the computer, in my sleep, everywhere, and just about the whole day everyday. It's really not that good a song, but being faced with choices, it's just that. I need to decide, and boy have I.
Tomorrow's a pretty big landmark day. Whatever's the outcome of whatever meetings, my answers are gonna be really flattening - a flat no in A major.
Just feel like stopping. I don't feel like going on. I'm so tired and exhausted. Pursuing a dream that never really existed. if only I could remember beyond '95 backwards.
-- Sounds like a good interjection for an elaboration of an experience!
Was out shopping at Carrefour for some stuff. Angel was already with me by then. It was just so natural. We had some ice-cream, then just browsed the store and chatted like some old friends catching up. I wanted to grab some movies, and we just browsed and talked. It felt almost like as if I was a teenager with some heart, no aims, just chilling out. I felt silly, but really happy. And there was an air of childhood punkiness and shyness. It was just great.
Got a nice little MP3 player last weekend for her birthday next week so that she can use it during her trip to Oklahoma. I'm sure gonna miss her. 3 weeks. She says she'll be doubly so.
Anycase, an extract:
A lady's love will make her day A man will rip all that stands in his way What do you want? What do you have to say? It doesn't matter what they say You choose with your heart or with your head Nothing's lost without love and hate
First, the photos server got licked and it went home - leaving all my pictures deleted and thrashed.
Then tblog server got hitched after a recovered from the first shock and was submitting my next post. How frustrating.
Anycase, this was something I wanted to put up last night:
Wheat Plant
Originally in my room, got shifted out to the balcony. Subsequently disappeared.
Aah well. So much for being homey!
Took a peek at the "depressionist" blog, and was kinda surprised to see he made a really similar post on the Apr 2nd. We were pretty much on the same frequency within the same hour. How queer!
Not much today but to post more pictures! Not to mention prepare a couple more for the frames I just got for the walls outside. :wink:
Nightsound has officially dissolved to allow everyone to walk clean and be relieved of their sub-conscious belief of strong obligation and responsibilities.
My mind is all blank. I never expected it to be so. It was something that I had looked forward to so much after lapsing into memory loss over things that happened so long ago. The team was my strength, my motivation to pursue thunderous movements and ideals. Then again, who is to say there ever was anything beyond a bunch of clowns.
the curtains down | the lights are low crowd has cleared | leaving no air below
I'm rushing to go to bed, cos many things would be said here before I know any wiser not to put them in. Perhaps another day when I am more composed, and less emotional :wink:
Waited close to 2 hours for these to be sent over...just so that I can post them up here before the mood runs out the door.
A small fight ensued across where we stood. Joshua and Angel were squatting by the barriers talking while I took this as shouts rang across from the other side. I thought a couple of bottles were broken and some tables turned.
Jean: Thankz for trying to cheer me up and get me outta my daze!
Sab: Your call made the difference!
Joshua: Your patience is enduring - it's what makes us whole.
Rina: Thankz babe for the entertainment!
Cherisse: Don't give up gal! I'm with you!
Kevin: Road ahead is gonna be an interesting ride! I'm glad I'm tagging along!
Angel: Baby, I don't know what's come over me...maybe I should've cummed over myself...okay that's sick...I really love you...Really. Leh. Mean it know. Really. Hor.
Mom: My gosh... How do you stand your son?! How can you put up with me for so long! Bless you!
Sis Chi: Sorry I poked fun at ya yesterday... didn't mean to tease you when I said the CD-Rs will explode if you put them near the speakers...and made you jump a little to clear them away...just kidding k!
Sis Anne: Oh... I'll try my best with the pricing... No promises though... You're becoming more like mom... how the heck you guys put up with me? Love ya gals!
Dad: Oh please... Stop giving me the car KEYS! But thanks for offering anywayz! I'm home now!
So Angel + Me had a small fight again... over something really silly. It doesn't constitute to major damage, but little collects eventually to a big one, so we try to resolve differences as soon as they arise... it actually makes me learn to listen, learn to play, learn to react, learn to respond, learn to reflect. All is well.
Nightsound has been on my mind. I think we've left it dying for a while now, and it's time to put it back on track. We've got plans, but just not too sure how to proceed with them at this point. The meeting on Saturday will provide some answers.
Let me go dig more pictures to put here. It's getting quite a collection. I think my aim is to fill the page with as many pictures as the length of the page will allow!
For once, something so trivial and silly is fun! I've been missing myself! :wink:
It dampened alot of feelings tonight. Sprays from the tyre wheels along the highway was making the drive even more irritating. As always. :wink:
