There's a cigarette in my mouth as I type this. I'm completely beat, but something came to me which I thought I should seriously pen it down before it slips out.
I've been so bothered by so many things that I can't begin to explain. One thing I'm really sure - I can't write songs no more. This fear of having somebody in my life biased against them just blocks me. I was a little defensive initially, but it turned out to be just being really ....
Competitive.
As I look through the repetoire of songs that I've done, honestly, none really sticked in anyone. Tha's so sad. And being defensive is pure competitive.
So I'm taking a step back, to remember why I even started in the first place. There's a saying, that ... you know, there's no saying. I'm just trying to type alot.
Okay, so I wanna remember why all this started. I mean the songs. Why I started writing. Well, let's see, it's cos I wanted to be different.
Wayne gave me a really good piece of advice today: time. Time washes everything. Time makes one see the truth. Time mends broken things and heals the heart. Although I always thought that if it takes so much time to do that, and we know it, why not speed it up so that we can do more, but alas, it's human to ponder.
And in the end, we take on time to recover. To reverse an effect that really cannot reverse.
:wink: <---there, just for kicks.> Raymond. Oops, sorry, I dunno why that name came up. I dun even know anyone by that name.
The phone's ringing, but I really dun wish to answer. I'm so tired and I dun wanna talk. Especially when I talk and that one person that meant a lot dun listen.
That's human ain't it? Um...not conscience, not conscious, not cautious...what's that word, human emotion!
To put things in the right perspective, I wish I hadn't done many things, I dun regret, it's just that I wouldn't be causing so much trouble. Oh, it's alright. Comfort is temporary.
I remember being told that things have changed. What things? Have changed?
I can't wait for September. Honestly, at least this entire episode of turmoil will blow over and we'll get to see the 'big one' - the one that feels like a hurricane.
Hey, anyone knows the difference between a hurricane, typhoon, and twister? I thought they were just spiral things.
Yeah, so I'm looking forward to September, where at least I'll be off my own handiwork of trouble. It's quite amazing how one small unimportant thing can be used as a weapon of destruction.
Man, I can't stop thinking about picking up the phone. Think I'll just sucker up and get outta here.
I don't really know where to begin, neither do I know how it's gonna end. But living it isn't exactly very pleasant right now.
:cry:
I feel so spent. I wonder how this computer feels when I consistently pound on it to chew on my typing. So very taken for granted.
Saw Solitude today, a constant convection current of misses.
Wanted to pour out many things on the way home, then I realise there's no one to pour to. The nosebleed this morning didn't help, and struggling through the day only made me even more frustrated about my current predicament of having a family I don't see as often as I would love to, a girlfriend who bitters the moment when its supposed to be sweet, a partner who hogs on his thoughts and can't seem to say it out, peers I can't relate to the way I want to, friends I'm losing touch with because of so many situational reasons, learners who don't take my words seriously but choos to learn the hard way, and a health I can't seem to strike an equilibrium.
I know what's been happening. I'm getting a mild infection, again. The nosebleed this morning was definitely not from the head. God, if I must die, make me happy before I do. What can anyone get out of me by dragging it?
I saw AL last Wednesday, recognised her pretty far off. I didn't really need to stare, I could just feel it. Being sensitive have its plus and minus, but the thoughts after that moment was exponential. For once, I felt comforted that we weren't together - she's definitely not turned out the way I imagined. Then, there are so many what ifs. It just threw me off my regular sane thinking into a frenzy of possibilities and co-relations. Strangely, it all adds up to one huge passage, Bleed. "Was only you I could not call to say these words I've never said before, You give too many time this time, What if there's another, what if lives can change, You're hoping from within, you're running from without, I feel so cold cos it's you I can't be with till the end of time, And it was nobody's fault, These are the days, trying to remember what we've tried to forget, Surely I am someone don't take it away from me, give me my time, I know I'm awake, And the night it has no end, So when we were together, we never need to cry."
That felt better, about everything. To know that at least a couple dozen of people have heard what I've always wanted to say, I think it feels better. It's just me, I squeeze everything into a focal point, not one thing bothers me at seperate times, everything bothers me at the same time. Only sometimes, it makes a detour, and I swap a smiley to a whiny.
I kinda remembered the last time I had a nosebleed, something bad happened. Now, I'm just waiting for the next worst to come. I'm prepared, cos, there's never another thing to worry about no more.
The Color Purple was a great movie. I loved it, got the DVD, watched it with deep breadths beyond what I could do long before. It touched me, it was real. To walk beyond my field of marigold would be sweet. Would love to do it with those I adore, but then again, nobody's really ever interested. I think it's becoming passe. I don't need to say no more to anyone. Sometimes, silence is golden.
I'm still dying to leave this place I'm in. It sucks.
:arrow: Cigarettes were never meant to harm your health. You did. :arrow: Murder never ever meant to get rid of those murdered. Murder is part of nature's recycling of humans. :arrow: Politics is good, it makes you wanted. :arrow: Getting drunk is experimenting with fermentation and yourself, just so that you know what its like when you decompose. :arrow: 9/11? It's just a bigger televised version of every other day in the world.
Cut to, fade out, then super this: 317 tbucks can't save me. :wink:
I had a hard time typing my lastest post. And Explorer shut by itself.
I'm outta steam. Oh, and I thought it was a nice post. :wink: About Wednesday.
So, change topic.
I ain't gonna complain about anything today. In fact, I think Mom and Dad and Sis(s) and Bro are great, Angel's still as beautiful, Josh still a darling, Kevin and Eric and Jiehui and Steve and Arthur are really cool, so are Illyas and gang, HK and Irwin are awesome - though they haven't called for a while now - so is Clare and Esthar, not to mention Wayne and family - oh OD is really adorable! I didn't forget Charmaine and Oakster, Noi or Shereen, not even Djin or Lawrence, and hey! Rina's funky! so is XiaoHao and Myloh! Senthil's still as quirky, so are the rest like Lawrence and Michael and George and Nigel; did I mention Sabrina and Jean are really wacky, though they should write more often!
Recounting Wednesday morning would be an essay. [LINE] Reliving Wednesday morning would be disastrous. [LINE] Remembering Wednesday morning is gonna be catastrophic. :wink:
Cut and paste. That's practically what I've been doing the whole day to get the website up and running. Check it out at www.homestudio.com.sg