Was talking in-depth to nobody in particular (annonymity yes thank you), and would like to just share something important that I learnt yesterday:
Sometimes, things should just grow, naturally.
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The cutest present I've received so far: a self-recorded birthday song~!
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One of the strangest things happened yesterday - a complete stranger (no puns intended) messaged me for help: he just needed $XX to be transferred to him, and when he comes back to town, he's gonna pay it back. I know he's probably not going to anyway, but I asked for a good reason why he would need it. I'm, of course, still waiting for that one reason.
I suppose I would part with $XX if he really needs it. It's not a big amount but if it helps, I wouldn't mind lending it. Whether it comes back, that we'll have to wait and see. I guess I'm just dumb. In any case, if he did give his reason, I probably would be able to help think of a solution rather than lend out cash, an alternative rather than a straight transaction. Whatever's the case, will definitely have a part two on this here.
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And what's with NeoPrints?! You and me probably think it's possibly the worst thing ever invented... But Nooooo! It's (and I hate to say this) way cool man! You actually get to choose from multiple shots, get to layout and design the prints, and actually get some neat little stickers with you on it! all glossed and sparkling!
I mean (sorry if I offended anyone mature around here but) honestly, it's actually quite fun and exciting to just hop into one of the machines and get some stickers, all for $10! Not exactly a complete makeover attempt but just spending $10 for a short thrill, and having a chance to document that thrill! Okay okay, I don't wanna sound like some naive teenager high on Pop Culture - I'm definitely way older than that - but if you do pass by the NeoPrints station the next time, just go in, get crazy in front of that black box, feel like some Popstar, and smile lots! It's silly, but we need to be silly to let loose sometimes =) Oh, ha~ I'd go if you'd like! Except HH ha~!
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One last opinion for the day - there are people with problems, and there are people with real problems. My definition of problems is: "much ado about nothing", and real problems is: "shit happens".
BUT, dealing with problems is easy - get on with it. Dealing with real problems takes real courage and conviction. If you're in dire straits, ask again: are you really in dire straits? Real life is when you tangibly feel the sun in your eyes and the moon on your skin. Think about it, we've absolutely nothing to lose eh?
In anycase, I'm just rambling here waiting for a response from nobody in particular (annonymity again yes you're welcomed) - was supposed to help clear some online forms, but I think my beneficiary has fallen asleep. Talk about helping someone in need and that person in need is asleep. Hmm. Yeah. If you're reading this, man, I can't even access the page! And I tried updating you but good one. You fall asleep. Q would have just screwed you and said, "Got Milk?" and then give you this one-liner, "Q says: Huh?"
Dinner on you. I'll make sure I get it. This blog quite popular wor.
Goodnight cyberspacemen. Be back later to check your status. This entry made 5:34AM, 1st Feb 06, Wed Morning, 1982 visits since tblog's revamp.
The general concensus is: I'm absolutely tanned! Woohoo~! Though of course there were suspicions of me working at some construction sites or outdoor-type work! Nonetheless, after some subtle explaining, I think they get the point - the Beachboy's in!
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This happened some time back, but I just suddenly remembered anyway: ran into a friend at PS with his group of friends - 2 girls and another guy - and I just kinda chatted with my friend for a little bit.
As the story goes, I got home, and my friend just briefly told me over the net that the girls said something about me. I was curious of course, and made a phone call to him right away, to which he obviously slapped his forehead over. Still, i managed to dig it out of him: one of the girls thought I was kinda cute, the other said that on the first look I'm kinda below average, but the more she looked at me, the more good-looking and cute I seemed.
I, in both instances, laughed my arse off.
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Chanced upon this blog by a 20 year old guy (I think), and he was kinda lamenting about how CNY was treated by "kids" these days - like some big treat of sugar-coated goodies and money earning festivity. Um... Well yeah, but, remember? we were all 9 once?
I'm gonna hit the sack early today. And tBlog hasn't gotten the time zones right. For records and comparisons, the blog entries before this, but after the server upgrade were time stamped by weird X-number of hours off.
This entry: Singapore Time (+8 GMT) 2:42AM, Tuesday, 31st Jan 06.
Well, it's been mostly fun, except when it was Question Time by all the good family folks that somehow stretched into Question Overtime! But I thought I got away with a couple of sleak, clean, and trim answers to kinda hold everyone at bay for now.
Anycase, the day started with the traditional lotus soup, and the traditional parents' well-wishing, then the traditional vegetarian lunch, before the traditional trip up to the legendary JB. Would have been more a family if grandma was still around, now we've practically not met some in years.
Still, some pretty interesting treats and get-together chats. Otherwise, I'm really beat. BUT for a change, I didn't fall asleep when I was outta town! Cool sights I got below:
It rained on the way back, and the rain drops looked pretty.
Mild sunset crossing the Causeway.
Took a couple nice pictures of the family too. Think I'll have them up on my Friendster soon. And for those still wondering who the dude on the SuperFriendster Pic on the right side is... Get real...
Yeah. That's all we've sold. One copy.
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I had the chance to do some quiet shopping lately, largely due to the festivities, so getting around to get things done, by myself, was a snap.
Of course, company would be nice, but the shadow did just fine. For sure, he wouldn't retort at my lameness, and certainly not subject me to questionings. So for days on end, getting the right stuff, doing the right things felt alleviating somewhat, elevating if you'd prefer, but bottomline: I don't need to offer answers like some A.I.
Saw all the bright lights along Colleyuer Quay and Chinatown. Looks like its going to be a huge party. Wanted to take some pictures, but turned out I hated the cheenaness.
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Honestly, I've lost count how many times and how many versions of an answer I've given to this question, "How are you doing?" Ever since the split, I've answered, on average, 5 times a day to different or repeat people asking that same question. Standard answers:
- okay, surviving
- okay, still the same
- okay, not too bad
And since last week, I finally decided to be brutally honest to that question - I'd just say I'm dying. It's difficult to keep lying about something which is so completely wrong, as if trying to instituitionalise an emotional loss that is beyond comprehension, and as if could possibly be measured and analysed through scientific tests and explorations. No, this is not a pyscho-analytic elaboration: it's just simply, a loss - all interests, words, emotions, and hope.
For those who pass by here, please, don't ask me how I am anymore. I'm really tired telling you the same thing I don't really mean, just to satisfy your curiosity and fulfill your concerns. But if you must, I'll tell you now anyway. I'm not okay, i'm dying. But thanks, I've heard you.
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Was a the hypermart earlier on to buy some cheap wine for bedtime - well, was supposedly for a wine party I was trying to put together tonight - and met a wine connoisseur who spoke, amidst his slur, quite passionately about his wine. Angel said he was quite charming the way he spoke, and I just told her straight, "he's tipsy."
And she went, "Oh!"
Anycase, I was told by dear Jaz that P*nfolds were a calibre wine producer, so I kinda took her word for it, but never really finding it excellent or even okay for my taste. So I was standing really long in front of the shelves looking at Merlots and Sauvignons and all the varieties when he came over to offer assistance.
And me being drained by the end of the day and a complete idiot with wine, I just went, "Okay, I'm a complete wine-idiot."
And he laughed really loud, but said that we all are! How sweet!
Still, he runs a wine-distribution thing, and introduced this Greek variety - I was of course, convinced, as usual, so after some dumb simplistic and ignorant questions, finally got a bottle of Rapsani 01, a full-bodied selection with, honestly, a really simple but elegant label stuck on the front.
Yet to open it, so if anyone's interested, buzz me. Supposedly No.2 to wine masters and the likes.
Ever played a song on repeat so many times till the counter on your player went "OP" (over-played)? And you listen to it over and over but you just won't get tired of it?
Ever played one of my songs till you got too sick of it? But still play it anyway?
There was a moment of... tranquility... I think, sitting by the beach and staring right out into the sea and the big blue sky. For a minute, I was in a semi-conscious state with the grizzly heat soothed by the momentous breeze.
At that point, nothing mattered. Would that be peace?
This blog has somewhat become an information dissemination/collection stagnant point in some ways. Mentions are not worthy, and points not important; fact is, I'm running out of things to write. Strangely. Especially when there are many things happening right now yet less than a percent of them gets here.
In fact, I think I've been snooping others' blogs more than indulging in my own. And what a different world we all live in, yet, alive at the same point in time. Now that sucks.
I've got a brilliant idea recently - barter trade: like perhaps trading my tv for an iPod or my levis for a few movie tickets. Sounds dumb, but hey, survival of the wittiest is the order of the day.
I have a random question: so how much do I get paid for all the hours I spent as good company? Here's another one: are your problems a dimwitted dead-end? One more: is space the first or last thing on your mind?
As you good cyberspacemen scour for some juice out of this nonsensical post, trying to make sense of this particular scene of a person typing away behind the computer screen, you do seem to answer the first question: I get paid nothing for entertaining you, but it's just fun anyway. And as you saw your answer, you answer the third question: space is definitely the first thing on your mind because you wouldn't be here to see if you can create some. The weirdest thing is, while you continue with the rest of the post, which I have so cleverly arranged with newest posts first, you answer the second question: gee~ this dude is outta his mind man, and you get no answers. And yes, in that instant, it's a dimwitted dead-end.
I got a piece of news last week regarding a member of the family - bankrupt potential. Then I look at myself: what bankrupt?! I'm already broke! Still, coming back, it does not bode well. This is gonna be a long holiday for that person indeed.
Couple of months back, a friendly but rather pushy lady called to sell me a credit card. I kindly rejected the offer from the very start, but she persisted in telling me about it. As the conversation wore on, I got really aggitated after saying "no" like a hundred times, till I began firing her with my own questions: where did you get my info? who gave you my number? yada yada. Then she got upset, and started telling me it was her job, and I shouldn't be so worked up about it. I shot back that my privacy has been intruded, to which, she started telling me how unfair I was to her situation by blaming her, after she had to call like a million people of whom she had to take all kinds of attitudes from.
At that point I scratched my head: she needed a listening ear. And I suddenly wanted to hang up if she wasn't gonna pay me by the hour to hear her lament. In the end, she said she didn't know why she was even telling me all that (her tone suggested I was a dumbass to talk to), and she said goodbye.
I hung up anyway. But she said thanks for my time.
Someone ever asked me this question: what would I be doing when I'm 50. I blabbered something about living in a villa with my garden and posh studio. Honestly, I hope I'd still be alive by then.
Angel got me a brand new keyboard for my birthday - thanks baby - but you know what? It's gonna collect dust. And I am so disappointed with myself.
I love my tan. It's a nice roast color the likes of rodent fur, minus the filth. And I'm going to the beach again tomorrow! Woohoo~! Bite me, I don't care, I'm going. If tomorrow's sun's good, it should last throughout the festivities, with everyone asking, "Eh! Why you so dark?!" To which I think I'll give my favourite answers:
a. "Because not so fair!"
b. "Cannot ah?"
c. "Cos I'm cute!"
Okay okay, vote for your favourite now! My personal favourite is (c)!
I was having coffee with Euge and Alan earlier on, and they showed me a song which Euge was trying to mix. I thought it was really good, but Euge said something along the lines of having learnt from me. Euge + Alan: I didn't teach anything, you were brilliant. But thanks. Next time convert to cash please.
You know? For the last few weeks, I've been hearing my neighbour head off to work at 4 plus in the morning. I've got to say, he's got the attitude man. I'm just darn impressed. Every morning without fail. Gee.
Finally. I think intelligence does not equate to understanding. Likewise, understanding does not traverse to good reasoning. I've felt stupid of late, and I don't understand things anymore. With that, I can no longer reason my being. It's been robotic and have gotten quite monochrome in my rainbow. I wake these days hoping I'll fall asleep, re-entering a realm of self-escapism and mind-blank. The state of empty-limbo is a really nice little comfortable acove of hope, cos I began painting sunflowers on the walls that stretch all the way out into the sea. Yet, it's a small place. And I've planted a garden of sorts and made a fountain, a lap pool, and my most desired piece of hardware: a moaning dildo. Okay okay, kidding there - a glass butterfly, alive, and the size of a butterfly in the garden. Well, since it is in the realm, make that a dozen glass butterflies please. Countless would be nice.
Now if you stand by the front porch, you'd see a hammock, tied in mid-air, ready for occupation. And when you lie in it, you don't get up, till you fall asleep and get up on this side of the realm - reality, and you wanna lie back to sleep just to get out of the hammock and carry on enjoying the company of butterflies.
I used to believe in angels. Yes Les, this is for you. I believed in them. I believed they visited me every night and whispered comfort in my ears till I watched Constantine (right, I made this up). I believed they visited me every night and whispered comfort in my ears when nothing seemed alright - amidst all the problems at home, in school, with friends, on confusion; I thought they came, and would leave a sign that they did come: like pulling my pillow from under my head and placing it in my arms, or pulling up the blanket when I kicked it aside. Of course I knew mommy and daddy did those sometimes, but I veered towards a wonderful make believe when there was no one to turn to. Until I woke up that Sunday morning and realised I was un-redeemable with depression.
Since then, no angels came, only replaced by a glistening M16 pointed at my throat with my finger on the trigger. Okay. I dunno how that got here.
In any case, pop me and release me. That's why I ever wrote, "I'm just an angel in the night, without my wings or my light." Now, fake it.
Heard the news yet? Nightsound? Scroll down and check.
I still remembered squatting on a little mold on the ground by a dirt road in Kanchanaburi, watching the sun come up. It was cold, and the breathing frothed a little. I squatted there, then sat down, watching the sun come up in the distance, lit a cigarette, and just went blank. That morning when we heard Eric died in a crash.
Slipped and nearly dislocated my arm when I dismounted the damn truck after being woken up to hear the news.
And stop laughing about me and my laksa~! You Seahum~! Ha~
You're probably thinking by now, what a twisted and tormented soul I am. Truth is, what if you do feel so? What does it mean to you? How would it affect you? Why would it matter? Why should you care so much? Is it all just about you and me? Where does it begin? How would it end? Why, why? How, how? What, what?
This is my official word, which you probably know but never did give it much thoughts. Of all my time in the streets, I know who's been good to me, and who's not. Rest assured, I know who you are. And you are in my heart. I'm sorry to put this so tangibly hurting, but I'd like to be clear on one count: I didn't reach my limit; it's a case of being self-exposed. And that's certainly not me. Read between the lines.
"I love the sun because I'm afraid I'd go blind;
I sing along cos I won't be able to speak one day;
I love the breeze cos I'm scared of going numb;
I love your scent for I'll lose that sense some day;
"Oh ***, I do not know why I am here, lamenting about my life in a blog so lifeless, so unimportant. I do not understand what is going on - the emotions that I feel, the thoughts that I have, the things that I do - they don't make me feel good anymore. I do not understand why people can be so mean to me, or how they can use me like some tissue paper and then throw me along the sidewalks after they're done. I do not understand why so many good things have happened, yet I'm still empty on the inside. i do not understand why so many bad things have happened yet I've learnt only to be more hateful, fearful, cautious, defensive, and weary of people and things around me. I do not understand - if things happen for a reason, what is that one reason for this to happen now?" - Hibo
The sentiment is mutual.
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I'm so incredibly restless tonight. It's like something's creeping up to cause a terrible calamity of sorts. I hate this feeling. Each time this emotion comes round, something bad happens to somebody. Tell me about being sensitive.
IN YOUR EYES
Written+Composed by REQ
Performed by Nightsound
"love. you should be happy.
to stay. again.
true. i should be worried.
the stains. are the proof of your life.
there is sadness in your eyes.
too many reasons why.
before we lose our time.
tonight.
to lose all your senses.
to say. again.
wish. a silence too loud.
the frame, you've put in yourself.
there's a sadness in your eyes.
too many reasons why.
and none that you can find.
to fly.
there's a sadness in your eyes.
there's a reason for goodbyes.
do you bellieve in time.
in time?
there is sadness in your eyes.
too big to even cry.
you give too many times, this time."
There's a reason why I don't show me too often - there are people who have used that for an advantage. It is beyond disgust.
"everyone has their own little dream picture of what they want in a perfect world, but they dont always think or hope, however remotely, that the picture will be painted with real colours and life. the beauty of dreams is precisely that soft focused haziness" - Les
I like this a lot =}
My world, as I painted it from the beginning, was pure white - from breathing to blinking, it was alright. But the world around me gradually changed with flying choppers and foul-mouthed hooligans, pretentious whores of all kinds - was so bad that I prayed for angels every other night.
These days, I have to be careful when I breathe, and cover my eyes when I look.
Incoherent. Period. There are too many things to put in place and then reshuffle again for maximum effect, and, in truth, it's getting messy.
Like, when I used to hit the "return" key, I just proceed to the next line, but now, I have to type "< b r >" (without the spaces) to go to the next line; like I used to go to the florist and just buy flowers, but these days I get to choose an arrangement I don't even like; like I carried change in my pocket to take a bus, but I throw change into vending machines now; like I used to get pretty hand-made cards with colored envelopes and beautiful stamps, but these days, stamps are stickers that I often mistake for...stickers.
I trotted around the house today - picking up and clearing out - and found this stash of munchies which I greedily opened and consumed before, throughout, and after dinner. Gone were the days where I just munched without thinking about diabetes, fats, tummies, IPPT, zits, or even bad breadth. Yeah. Onions do give you a nasty gas build-up with release either from the top or the bottom. And yeah! Whatever happened to breaking wind in public?!
"When I drove home this morning, after some lengthy meeting with ******, **** and *****, suddenly realised how sick I was again. The flu and cough came back and dented my spirits as I stepped on the gas and pulled away from ****'s place. But within 2 minutes, I thought somebody else was going crazier! A cabby reversed, albeit slowly, from the entry point into the expressway and started to back along the one-way, 2-lane road. I jammed the brakes and as I passed him, noticed him transfixed across the road. He promptly stopped the cab and I followed his gaze - across, a motorcycle was stuck in the barriers, thrashed. I immediately stopped the car and looked around - the rider and another man stood within the road divide and were struggling to get out. Apparently, the rider crashed and was flung across the barriers into the drain on the divide. I ran over fearing a bad accident with a container of water from the boot, and as I approached, the cabby asked if he needed an ambulance. Seemed that the fall dislocated his shoulder and his friend was equally appalled as we were. I was already thinking how lucky this chap was.
I helped him out and wanted to stay in case I could be of more assistance, but by that time, the ensuing number of people stopping to offer help had grown, so I just kinda left. Whatever it was, it sure made me go blank for a long while. Thinking back, there was nothing more important than life now, and money."
30th APR 2003 - 4AM
"It's the end of April and the only thing that I can't stop thinking about is my appointment for the x-rays tomorrow. Or rather, later today. If the results come out bad, then I really have no idea what to do next. Seems like a pretty bad time for things to go wrong. Then again, if things don't happen at the wrong time, then nothing is wrong."
- Extracted from "Endless Ensemble"
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Welcome home to another edition of "Who's Not Reading!"
As long as I can remember, there are many of you out there who aren't reading this masterpiece of a blog. And strangely, those who do hardly tag me or leave a message despite my warm encouragement to do so! So if you're not reading, please raise your hand!
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And I thought I survived my own holocaust on a perilous pursuit of, the art of listening. So what do I listen to these days? Anything and everything, but brilliant news. Poppycock.
Gdnite cybrspace. N ya noe? U ppl r so... ... i say gdnite @ least say heylow.
I guess sometimes it takes a little boy to make us see how we fucked it up. And sometimes it takes a little splinter to know that the pain we're all in aren't significant at all.
Yesterday's trip to Sentosa was... wonderful. The beach was empty, save for a handful of holiday-makers who were seriously minding their own business. I got there with Jean and Evon, and frankly, the sun was gorgeous. Of course, what's a beach experience without frisbees and tans?
Did I mention my favourite frisbee is a 1999 E-Circles souvenir, which I still use today?
I'm not gonna bring size into question here, but frisbee can be really trying with people who stand and watch it in flight :D. I always imagined it to be rigorous anticipation and chasing after a piece of flying plastic, but well, I guess it takes a bit of getting used to with non-players. And so, after an hour plus, I think the 3 of us were pretty much knocked out, or at least I speak for myself...running after and picking frisbee throws to the left, to the right, to the front, to the back, but never to me was tiring.
We hit the sands cos, I've got to say this again, the sun was gorgeous. Ow, if only you had been there, you'd agree. It was out, but it wasn't hot. It was bright, but not blaring.
There was this group of 2 mommies and 3 kids that took the spot next to us, and I think it must have been really fun for them too. They brought nets! Gosh! And they actually caught fish! It's really cool to see activities, not too much, just something you can kinda watch, and nap over, at the same time. Let me put it this way, was my perfect beachside setting.
And one of the kids got a splinter in his sole.
He was wailing, and I didn't wanna move from my spot. Mommy was trying to take it out but I guess she was a little too anxious about it too. I finally got up, and told Jean I was going over - took my Aloe Vera gel and a pack of plasters and just went over.
The kid was crying really hard, and yeah, sucker for that sort of thing. I took a look and just applied the gel over the wound first. It was tiny, but for the tiny person it was painful. He was, of course, inconsolable. I didn't try very hard to calm him down or talk much, cos I think I was passing over to dreamland. When Mommy asked if I'm a nurse, I said, "Nope. But she is..." Jean came over too.
I'll dispense the lengthy process to try remove the splinter, but I had the boy hold on to my arm and squeeze tight while mommy and Jean tried their best to get it out. He did just that and. kneeling over him for half an hour with him squeezing the exact same spot on my arm was... Still, splinters are tricky - a tiny piece of eroding wood under the skin breaks all the time. So by the end of the ordeal, we only had a good portion of it out. All we could do was plaster it while mommy brought him to the medical centre.
We just kinda went back to what we were doing after that - lying on the beach.
Round 2 of the frisbee game was a larger killer. I won't elaborate - just imagine 3 already lazed out persons crawling around after a piece of flying plastic.
Fast forward a little, the poor boy was okay, the mommies got us some drinks, the girls had a wild chat, and I got invited to a mini-soccer match with the boys. Yeah. That's about.
I've always loved the seaside, those 1980s little caravans parked by the beach driveways where the hotdog stands are; surfboards pitched above little buggies and beach umbrellas flying in the wind.
Few beach goers, just the sound of waves and the breeze buzzing in the ear.
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I've had this song by Shino in me for a long time, and everytime, it's about being alive, being able to breathe, and doesn't matter how we breathe.
And suddenly, I don't feel like blogging anymore. Good night cyberspacemen!
Of sunshine and wild party-goers - We missed the sun today due to a slight miscommunication. But no worries, we're heading to the beach tomorrow nonetheless! Ha~
I've always believed we have been moving and evolving into a no-barrier, no-differences society, albeit slowly - something so intangible, yet wonderful at the same time. But tonight, I was again hit by the reality of degeneration, and I thought this should be in my own records to remember how naive I might have possibly been.
Was at the airport with a friend to chill out a little over a cuppa, when we shifted to a fast food outlet for my friend's late dinner. Halfway through, 3 dudes sat, of all places within the big and almost empty restaurant, right at the next table. One of them went for their orders, and the other 2 just set quietly by the table.
Was no big deal really - we just chatted happily - till all 3 of them tucked into their drinks, and started chatting, within earshot, in Malay. I was described as a weirdo and my friend a faggot. All other comments passed on us, I will censor here.
I'm cool with people saying whatever they want about me. I would also speak so about my dear friend. But masking malicious and racist remarks behind a presumedly foreign language to us was pure stupidity and insensitive. To top it off, it was done deliberately.
I cannot begin to describe my disappointment with what a small group of black sheeps can do to taint an entirely friendly exchange. My friend got so offended that he begged to leave the restaurant, despite me assuring that they were harmless. Fact is, we both felt insulted. Of all the years in school that I've learnt to be open to different cultures, made many good friends of different ethnicities and backgrounds, and of all the years at work and in the streets that I've learnt more about the various cultures and practices, made even more good friends that were non-my-race, today's incident was scarring.
It is entirely up to the individuals to think and do as they please, but they should also consider being responsible and bearing the same hurt when the same things are done to them.
What goes around, comes around.
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Will be heading to the beach later again~! Ha~! Tis exciting cos of a, um... huge presence! Will reveal all that when I come back!
Finally, garnered some time to put this whole place together. So to begin with, here's a big smiley face to cheer you up! Hope it rubs off on you!
I've been incredibly patient for the last couple of days. Strangely. Perhaps I have been letting go at a couple of people around me, pouring out quite a bit of bad breadths till it kinda taxed out those I barked at. And now that I'm more unloaded, the threshold's back to level norm.
Either way, I have been observing some strange behaviours, like as if there's this strange aura at work, getting people all tense over petty things. Or maybe I'm just extra-sensitive at the moment. Who knows? But I'm definitely not going to think too much about it. The festivities are round the corner, so I guess it's better to just stay cheery and stress-free. Of course, IPPT is hounding me once again. LOL
There was something I wanted to blog about, but I think I'm a little blank at the moment. Perhaps tomorrow! Meantime, goodnight cyberspace, and sweet dreams! =)
A whole new bunch of settings to play around with after tblog's recent upgrade. So while I figure out what exactly to do, this would be the best that I can manage.
Okay. I was browsing through a couple people's entries for the day (some were still stuck in 1979), and I think I need to provide a couple of answers to questions concerning my current status.
To begin with, it is a fine divide being alright and putting up a front. To hell with being alright - fact was for the last 6 months, I was in the living divide, not knowing what to think, except to calm the tensions in people around.
Right now, it is the future divide - plan and act, or wait and see.
The past will be over in approximately 14 days. I'm giving the New Year a good go, and the situation finally a flying kick. In short, I ain't just good. I'm gonna be brilliant.
On A Dance Floor~! Impressive album, not just musically enhanced, but amazing quality!
Ok. My professional opinion: this is one music-driven album - dance music never had this much musical details in it; a dance album never had so many opinions over its creative and product quality. I am impressed. Hung Up's MTV, if you guys have a chance to catch it on MTV channel, you cannot imagine how much thoughts' been put into it as well. I'll leave the details for your own exploration!
Tonight's gonna be trancy~! :wink: My kind of dreamland!
Gonna start tonight's entry with beer - Cheers~! It's been raining for days on end now, and the island trip's been put off yet again. Might as well take this time to slow down, warm up and snuggle in bed and pretend its Christmas all over.
:wink: I like that.
I kinda started the day a little disoriented, not knowing what day what time and who's around. It's been a while since I let myself go, into a state of space. Nothing much really happened, just that it felt a little rosier than other days when things don't look up.
Inch & gang, loved your pressie. Thank you. Your love is my love.
I just got off some TV and a shower actually, and honestly, with a beer and the acoutic Heart playing, it does feel a little like Christmas in a studio apartment all by yourself, not sad, but nostalgic.
So Judging Amy was playing earlier on, and it got me thinking in the showers about many things that I thought I might have given a miss. Strangely, it just don't feel like that anymore - I'd live it over again to just, live.
Guess I don't really have the patience and guts to spill too much about memories for now. But, I do have some messages to send out. And don't feel too bad if you weren't on the list - I've been a rambling fool all along. Find them later in the entry if you would. [LINE] A couple of people once said that I'll make it one day. They said I had the attitude. Perhaps they were right. I do have the attitude, plus the nasties along too. And then there were a couple more who said I was a good friend. They said I was sincere. Maybe that's true too, though I can be quite unsound sometimes.
I was stopped at a checkpoint once and had to get out and have my ID checked. The officer was polite, though had that air of suspicion nonetheless. I had with me a couple of younger friends whom, gladly we're still in touch, and basically just passed the check quite swiftly. In the midst, we (with the officer) chatted a little about what I did (was still with my ex-company then) and he was kinda interested. I can imagine though, on one hand, he was on duty and must have been quite routine, yet my field does raise a couple of eyebrows. Still, the chat softened the atmosphere, and going home felt a little better.
When I was 7 I think, I used to loved this Laksa Mee down the block. It wasn't like a must-try, but I had a spicy-tooth to content with. On one occassion, my sis had to accompany me to buy a pack, which I quite recklessly dropped and spilled on the way home. I stood there and cried, thinking how mom's gonna punish me for being stupid, and how I'm gonna go hungry. Sis held my hand and looked me right in the eye, and said it's ok, and that there's no need to cry. She flashed a smile and said she'll get another. I was so ashamed because everyone's looking and I just kinda freaked out, but as she came back with another pack with me standing and looking over the spilled pack, it just didn't matter anymore.
I didn't really come from a good family - we had excess, but these excesses were not often. So it became that we began to treasure little things - the flowers that grow along the sides of the drains, or the snails that rested on the walls of the house. Did I mention my old neighbors had chickens running around in the car park? (Younger readers - chickens don't come from the supermarkets)
Perchance I ought to post some old pictures for all to see! I was this fat baby boy then - cute, cuddly, ok ok. Let's just leave it there.
I suppose I did grow up a pesky kid myself - got lost in Toys'R'Us once and this helpful teenager came over to help calm me down from all that crying. He was patient and tried asking if I was lost. I wailed and nodded (remembered quite clearly) and he asked for my name. At that time, honestly, I couldn't remember my name, so I cried some more. I was so loud that mommy came running from the other end of the department store! (later she said she just recognised my one of a kind crying) :?
Running had been my favourite sport I suppose, so since the youthful days, I ran alot, from spot to spot. Perhaps that explains my height? Coming back, I tripped and fell along the driveway in school once and bruised both my knees. I shed a tear for the pain, but I didn't cry. Somebody alerted the teachers, and the fiercest one came out to see what happened. Blood oozed and trickled to the white socks and shoes, but she helped me into the little medical room, and padded the wounds with iodine and gauze. The pain gradually went away, got home without my mom screaming too. She knew it was an accident.
I used to catch guppies in the huge drains at the back of the schools alot with a couple of friends. It was a guy thing, so only boys could go. Once, a girl asked if she could go, and none of the boys could make it, so I decided to bring her along even though there was a silly taboo about being washed away if girls had gone. Anyway, so when we got there, she just jumped for joy. It was like a little get away she never had, and she was thrilled to observe, and even try catching some. From then on, we had girls on the team. Not just for guppies, even tadpoles.
I stood and watch a blind basker once at some obscure spot in town. I just stood there and listened, cos everyone else either were too busy with their bags and friends, or just needed to dump their spare change. He had an assistant, whom sat by him and thanked everyone who put something into the donation box. I finally went forward and put in my contribution, and the lady smiled, while the basker said thank you.
So. What do you remember? [LINE] When I wrote Heart, I had a premonition of what was to come. And when I recorded the acoustic version last, I knew also that was the last song to be done at Home. It rocked the emotions in Eric and Kevin. I know. Thanks. [LINE] There was this little girl who wrote this:
"dear angel, your lips they taste so sweet so gentle and tender, there's nowhere else i'd rather be your heart shines, brightly in the dark guiding me softly back, softly back, safely back to the start
each and everytime you spend away from me it's like eternity, eternity to me so will you promise me that you'll stay with me so happily, in memory
(you're perfect in every single way so perfect it makes me scared makes me scared to lose you from my life i'm sorry if i ever hurt you deep but i loved you too much to see that you mean everything to me)"
I was deeply touched by the words. When I asked if she meant it, she broke into tears and smiled.
When was the last time you meant what you said? [LINE] I was in a training match against my own team once, and this senior, twice my size, charged at me like a bull. It was a training rugby match, and almost no-hold-bars.
i stood firm, watched him move towards me, and knowing I'm in his way, intended to stop him. He had the size advantage, we both knew that, and I was lanky. As he charged, I side-stepped half a step, stretched my hands out to his waist, used his momentum and swung him to the sides. He flew like a bird and dropped the prized ball. I helped him up after that, and he flashed me the most encouranging smile.
Even so, I never, ever, made it to the team. Because of my size. [LINE] I took a flight up to Hong Kong alone a couple of years back to help my sister move and set up her new home. My flight was pretty short, but when I saw the plane soar above the clouds, my heart sank. I felt like I was in heaven, but I was dead.
Rave, live it. Les, you aren't the only one to hate dying. Shin, if you're reading, you've read! ZK, you already are alive. Jean, it was not murder. Arul, love ya! QX, missing ya in mine! Inch, what stopped? Sab, you've just been reborn. Risse, it's coming. HH, you are! Kenny, get started! Eric, stop wondering. Kevin, blessed! Share! Angel, I am glad. Rina, take a break. Joyce, you are in it! [LINE] The fan spins silently above while I drink and lament how wonderful life has been. Yet, no one truly understands the making of a broken man and a wicked life. I am glad I knew you, but not for long before time passes and everything ends. This I hope makes you love yourself more, so that in time to come, you can love people as they have, you.
I promise I won't lie. But if you chose not to believe, it will never be yours.
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The longest run on an aftermath is about to refresh itself; not that its all bad, but perhaps the dwelling has become quite a comfort zone! Perverse as it may seem, that's what we all live for. Memories.
U2 had this really old song "Red Hill Mining Town" on the Joshua Tree album, and it's one song that puts me back in sunset at Kanchanaburi. I remember walking out of the showers and heading up the creaky steps to the bunks, when I suddenly stopped to look into the unobstructed distance of lowly mountains, sparse clouds, and a blinding sunset. The air was dry, but the breeze that swept through had an air of rain right under the nose.
I'll live that moment again, anytime. But that was also the loneliest time I've ever lived - up till this point.
Perhaps breadth-taking moments need not be textbook prescribed. I'm ready to just sit and watch that scene again.
"do trees sleep when they're tired? do rivers stop to rest? do flowers think they're pretty? and birds forget their nests?
does the wind stop to breathe? does the rain like getting wet? do seasons change forever? does time know when it ends?
would the rainbow change its colors to white and black one day? would the mountains move away some day to shelter its own back?
do i make you happy? or do i make you sad? i hope that you'll remember i love you every day
but I don't know how we got here maybe i've been away too long since i've walked this way maybe we'd just hold our breadths"
- Risse, Sab, Req [LINE] Strangely, 2 different characters posted their blog addresses to me on the same night, and my eyes are like...rolling off their sockets now. Interesting stuff - never really imagined reading blogs of such... intensity~! [LINE] Have you ever noticed how the breeze blows through the water surface and cause little ripples that look... serene? There's a nice fresh wind blowing through tonight. Just like the breeze in the lazy late noons in Kanchanaburi. I wish I had been a killing machine with the service and never needed to know what living means.
I was rather amused by some interesting questions hurled at me lately. In all honesty, true generics are:
- never open yourself up completely and release the floodgates to criticism; - operandi in faith is to commit a sin within itself, you will never find out who you really are; - hope does not exist: yearning does; - i'm me, and you're you.
adj.: characterized by or having exceptional physical beauty and appeal; "the public acknowledgement of reqx being extrapulchritudinous resulted in the pulchritudinous inch to be evilised, as she intends to voice her protest in the upcoming comment for this blog entry"
noun: the being of characterization for exceptional physical beauty and appeal; "the extrapulchritudinization of reqx was of great public opinion and support, which has evilised the pulchritudinous inch to protest by commenting soon on this blog entry"
(I ain't kidding~ ha!) [LINE] Welcome home Jean! :wink:
adj. 1: being in a state of malice, committing harmful acts; "the murderer evilised"; "the genocide was evilised from the beginning"; 2: unable to show affection, empathy or sympathy; "tom is evilised - he doesn't care about his aged grandparents"; "you are evilised! laugh when someone tells a joke!"
So the next time you wanna shout some savage vulgarities at some dim-wits, try this word! Certainly makes you feel evilised!
And by gosh, the title's what was witnessed today!
As the story goes, was leaving the carpark after catching Wallace & Gromit with Angel at Plaza Singapura when Angel yelped real loud suddenly (this was the result of a previous minor incident involving me shattering the side-mirror - did I blog that? - and she decided to help warn me by screaming "louder" the next time she detects a potential incident). In any case, the exit had this funny junction that allows oncoming traffic to do U-turns, and the truck without it's headlight on just did a really speedy one just before we reach the bend, closely followed by this white sporty hatchback. Immediately I lamented to Angel, "Darn! Am I like invisible?!"
So we just went on our way and I kinda followed behind the white car, which strangely, drove up next to the truck and kept in speed with it. Moments later, the truck sped up and dash right through the red lights at the next junction, while the white car screeched to a halt.
I kinda slowed down and stopped behind the car, and the driver just alighted and waved at me - and he had this murderous look on his face. I was like thinking, "Alright, he wants to pick a fight. I'm gonna ram him."
But he walked right past in between the cars to the passenger side, where a friend got out to survey the front side of the car itself. That's when we figured, the truck rammed into them, and ran.
Just then, another car stopped beside ours and somebody got off, presumedly a friend too. I thought we're gonna be stuck behind these guys, so I decided to filter to the next lane. The other car just kinda made a U-turn and left, so I took its place to the stop line on the next lane. Next thing we knew, the guy who alighted walked towards our car, and opened the door!
And that's when we heard one of the guys shout, "Eh! Wrong car lah!" The poor chap slammed the door close and I guess, was pretty embarassed about it! At that time I would assume all of them were pretty pissed out over the entire incident, so I guess it was no use pursuing or offering help over anything. We just kinda left after that.
My empathy to the guy who's got his car thrashed. But the whole incident, especially the car-door guy, was just simply...hilarious. I'm sorry, but it really was! :oops: [LINE] Wallace&Gromit was really cool I thought. At least it put a smile on my face!
After writing an immensely weird and unstructured set of words for a tune, it's beginning to seem as if a turn-around is imminent.
I have this sudden urge to destroy something. It's that surge of intense emotional uprising that causes a certain brainwave activity which makes a person insane in a split second moment. And till the damage is done, that insanity follows through after that point of destruction, and then dissipates into nothingness, instantly replaced by a sense of awe, fear, and blindness.
Guilt then sets in.
Now isn't that therapuetic? To know a line of action succeeded by a chain of consequences somehow pulls you back from any consideration of commiting that act or actions. Yet, falling back, you think what comes next, and ask that all-crazy question, "So what do I do now?"
So what do you do when you cannot remain calm? [LINE] I saw a timeline recently, and this timeline was supposed to bring a time of reign and respect. This vision, if I may call it as it felt more like a feeling, came not because of make-believe, but came about through the pure lust of getting some peace. It's gradually getting difficult to focus on anything when very simple things get pulpped and torn into bits that should have just remained, normal.
It is an estranged situation.
For the last couple of more dark-myriad posts, I've noticed they were incomplete, or were largely half-done. Would like to stress what I have failed to mention in those posts:
- go ahead and tell them the truth, I'm not doing well at all since. If they have any more sensibilities and conscience, stop asking. - in all honesty, am extremely beaten and thrashed. Imagine building a giant sandcastle complete with moat-dragons and king figurines, and someone steps all over it - you try pick yourself up and teach me how to do that. - every pillar of strength has cracks, don't remind me. - if there ain't help, dispense the formalities. Really.
That should complete most of the previous incomplete posts. :?
Ookie..lots of sun, tons of people, quick passing showers, yet, the pictures we took during the trip to Sentosa were all very much self-indulgent (I hear ya Eric)!
A tad lazy to upload on Friendster, so guess I'll just put 'em here.
Oh, yeah, supposed to go skating but ended up - sun tan. All you guys fault man! Fly Boeing.
Hmm...(suggested by Jack, but point being?)
Threesome: Me, Jackie, Sabrina!
Looking sharp for the cam!
As usual, I look good~
I still look good~ The concept is simple. Any picture that I think I look bad in probably won't make it to the posts (just like that cleaning thing)
"dead petals slip thru' your fingers as your lips dance in grace, with the names that you're calling, now fake teardrops they make a trail and lie in your bed making circles in motion, no plastic dolls that say what you need that you hold on so dearly, with no sense or no shaming oxy-journey, frames, and dark tingles they make you weak, like a deer in the cross-roads, now
won't you look where you're nothing like, you are your own and don't be sorry just to be sorry oh lay and make up your mind nobody be waiting
nobody's waiting" [LINE] Gonna head for the beach! Island life! Woohoo~! :wink:
Was hired for a day at this studio and man...the security...woohoo~ I got stuck after going to the toilet with no access card back into the office! That sucks man!
Wanted to take some pictures of the trip, but I remembered that dude with his camera on the train (see old post) and just gave up the idea altogether.
Nonetheless, I'm beat. Really beat. Beaten. Mentally -left right centre and whichever other areas I didn't cover. So yeah. Later~ :wink:
Was talking in-depth to nobody in particular (annonymity yes thank you), and would like to just share something important that I learnt yesterday:
