Gawd. I can never forget the story of fifty bucks to parallel how valued we are. And so I heard about the bet as well. Honestly, I don't really quite know what to say, except that life can be so meagre if gratitude is boundless - but life is therefore suffocated because of selfishness.
I've finally put more efforts into driving the work and steering the album's completion. Times like these are when I wish I was back in those days having too little hours to suffice too much to do.
I have a thought. Some good doctors are probably the most endearing - every patient is about them. They talk to patients like the world is them. And they try to make them better in any way possible. Perhaps, I need a doctor.
It's scary when I found myself caught in a vicious closed-in room all of a sudden, because of some incredibly stunning visuals. In an instant, the whole Big Tent, Top Hat idea filled me like some hungry wolves on the prowl for more prey. I would be happy to do something about it now. But I would need help. It's tickling me, and I hate that.
For a moment I tried to recall what it was that I wanted to blog about. While I'm still at it, sorry to those who tried to post but have not been able to on the tagboards. It just didn't quite like taking tags for the last 2 days though. Think it's fine now.
I suppose I wanted to mention something brief on the album, but guess it ain't really that necessary for now. Besides, I'm sure the anticipation has died some, so I'll pass.
Then I wanted to mention about the fishes. But somehow, I felt a bit slow to react to that. So ZK, I'll try to find a few more for you.
So I guess the quickest round-up would be: I'm sleepy. Nitez.
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Someone kinda wobbled me awake lately, and I didn't feel like I should partake in lives other than my own. Not too sure how it got to this, but it just felt a little lighter, judging from the carefree att that I've been kinda adopting for all it's worth. Then, it got boring.
So boring till I started asking myself what would make me happy. No answers yet, but it certainly did kept me busy for a bit.
Fundamentally, I just want to know how we all got here.
Den agreed that I've not been as in-depth as I used to be; instead, sadly, shallow as a wad pool.
I guess it's been that state of quasi-limbo that made nothing out of everything. I can't even remember what it would have been that could have made me feel alive. Then, I get so spurred by someone's writing in a second, then slump back into that neo-quasi state of mind.
I think I should get out with mom soon. Maybe she would understand me better than myself right now.
Been feeling a bit light headed lately, not too strong on anything, and certainly not undermining many others. Perhaps it's been the humidity and fuzzy sun, but it certainly ain't helping if I need a brain boost besides thinking lemon.
Had a really slow last couple of days with a sprinkle of last minutes that might as well have been pre-planned to reduce the stress incurred. Garnering more equipment has always been a great past-time, but it surely does bring an omnimous feeling of "do I really need?".
Anywayz, so I heard about this really queer breakup; from getting together till the split, it was all quite dramatic. Even filmic in my eyes. I'm not laughing at the plights of these poor souls, but rather, I applaud the courage and senselessness in being together not knowing what's to come, or sure of what to expect. However, I must stress that the straight-laced mentality does somewhat gets in the way of good'ol' logics.
And thus end a fairy-tale of courtship that could have blossomed into an envious retaliation of make-beliefs, but somehow, perseverence was not the order of the day, even though a vital ingredient in the rough, gravelly road that hurts each inch inched. Fate decided, and all's lost because of contempt.
Or maybe broken Hearts.
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I'm trying to get back online on nightsound. I need a new band name. Any offers? Or should I stick it there? Oh, Nightalive's back.
I'm crying foul. It ain't fair. Over-dramatization and it pop-shot someone up the charts like nobody's business LOR. Grr. I'm so jealous. But then again, if it takes that much to topple the hopeless number one, OH PLEASE! YOU HAVE MY SUPPORT =)
Took a day off finally to do some shopping~ Guess who tagged along?
Angel! What a rarity these days!
And this model really had it going!
Save for a couple of stares and bemused reactions, guess she didn't quite pull the crowd in to present the product she was supposed to push. Nonetheless, it was interesting to see how she tried to stay still with that dumb box above her head!
Got a couple of things today as well, spent not so wisely but still manageable I think. Retail therapy ain't all that therapeutic, but it did its best anyway.
Thinking back all that's been happening, I realised a weird trend of fly-aeroplane-pass-baton syndrome with me and the people around, whole of the week. It's like, started the week when I flew someone's plane, then someone flew me one, then that someone kena one, then it came back to me, then I kena someone else, and went on and on. Kinda funny actually, but guess that's how we look at things sometimes. Straight-laced.
I've no idea how the google ads sneaked into the left side, but I'm also a tad lazy to go find out why that eyesore became.
Nonetheless, if you would like to advertise on this space, that be kinda cute. Like it prompts at the bottom of the sorey box.
Anywayz, it probably doesn't matter what I say here, or ever try to message across, but it's really weird. The affinity to reach for a solution is incredibly much. I don't wish to position myself as a pain or a predicament, but know this. It's not over.
Ok. Right now, I don't even know why I'm writing this in the first place? Perhaps it got a little heart-wrenching reading the ordeal, or perhaps you needed to hear some words of comfort. For my meagre existence plague with a relatively indecisive lifespan, which you should check with your other half why, I think I value life just a tad more to know some things just need to be done and everything would be okay.
Pick up. Cos when you have 1 day to live, it's too meaningless to consider ending it sooner when you have time to enjoy every last bit of it.
Get some dumb emails that described a certain group from time to time, and I usually end up thrashing them based on their Subjects. But here's one (truncated) which I thought so amazingly hilarious on repeated reads even. By some wise-crack I don't know, but good job.
Funny Things About Singaporeans:
- Tks 2 SMS, u oso dun no how 2 spel anymor.
- You pat bus seats and even MRT seats to cool them before you sit down.
- At lunch, you start discussing what to eat for dinner.
- When speaking to foreigners, you somehow feel a need to adopt an accent.
- You won't raise your voice to protest policies, but you'll raise your fists to whack someone over Hello Kitty.
- You're forever talking about businesses you want to set up but will probably never get around to starting.
- You don't know 3/4 of the people attending your wedding.
- You separate food into 2 basic groups: 'heaty' and 'cooling'.
- You think that what makes you 'married' is not the legal registration but whether you've thrown a 12 course dinner.
- You have kids for the tax advantages.
- You move to where you want your child to go to school.
- You force your children to take Speech & Drama classes, but pray they won't wind up in Arts later on.
- You suddenly realize you're very interested in biotech - just like you suddenly realized three years ago that you were very interested in e-commerce, and before that, engineering, and before that, medicine and law.
- You think people are inconsiderate when they don't leave their table immediately after eating at the food court but think you have every right to take 25 bites to finish the last red bean in your ice kachang.
- You find it impossible to make suggestions without drawing a fishbone chart first.
- If you're a guy, whenever you get together with your guy friends, you invariably trade army stories.
- You've eaten more times at the Esplanade than you've actually seen shows there.
- You need campaigns to tell you how to be courteous, to flush toilets, have sex, etc. (not forgetting TV commercials & billboards reminding you to SMILE when important people come to town).
- You always feel oddly hungry at 11 pm, and are willing to drive to far away places for supper.
- You work at McDonald's when you're old rather than young.
- You'll gladly spend $50,000 on a car, but will go to great lengths to save a few bucks on ERP charges or even a few cents on a parking coupon.
- If you're pregnant, you have the strange ability to make people on the MRT fall asleep instantly.
- At the dinner table, you're always discussing which other food places serve better versions of what you're eating.
- You copy down licence plate numbers of cars involved in accidents.
- You think your boyfriend doesn't really love you unless he gives you part of his liver.
- You pronounce the letter 'R' as 'ah-rer' and the letter 'H' as 'haytch'.
- No matter how old you are, you keep associating people with their secondary schools. (alternative: No matter how old you are, you secretly need to know what other people got for their PSLE, O levels and A levels.)
- You believe that you can generate 'creativity' through rules and committees.
- You 'chope' a seat by placing a packet of tissues on the chair.
- You diligently track the whereabouts of your favourite hawkers, i.e. you know that the famous Tiong Bahru Bao is now in Jurong, the famous Outram Char Kuay Teow is now in Hong Lim Centre and the famous Lau Hock Kien Hokkien mee from the old Lau Pa Sat is now at Beach Road.
- You think we're living in a modern, sophisticated country even whenour leaders still insist on wearing their white school uniforms.
My favorite is the one in bold. How true! Hope you guys enjoyed this invariably.
Since the previous post has done its good, guess I can resume my usual moping-self and post again.
I wanted to post this for a while now, and after all the hesitation, finally decided to do so not because I'm kicking up a fuss, but it just got the better of my temperaments.
Was driving round the other day when I came to a stop at the red. Happened to turn my head and spotted this 2 young chaps leaving a mosque, happily chatting away till they reach the huge gates and one of them turned away and spat. Right at the gate.
Hello?!
Couple days back, an old man suddenly phlemmagated and spat right as I passed him by.
HELLoOOo?!
Last weekend, while waiting for dad to come round, I chatted happily with sis at the foot of the block under shelter, when we noticed SPITS raining down as if someone was vege-hydrating.
HELLOOO!!!
Then earlier on - on the way home - this dude headed down the subway in front of me wanted to clear his mouth as he passed the trash bin, spat (disregarding my existence) clear into the bin weakly, and had a trail leading from the gob to the mouth.
I nearly fainted.
I personally detest public spitting for its pure insensitivity and disregard for public hygiene. Of all the years in public campaigns, that's one thing that never took off.
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Been really exhausted for the last couple of days catering to so many needs. Happy though I am, but the body's beginning to reject the lifestyle. Gonna try grab some sleep now. Night CyberPeople.
Close shaves. That's what I have been having. Breadthlessness aside, I've been feeling a little numb, consistently tired, and very uncomfortable both on the inside, and the outside. I'll live.
I'm really talking to a select 2 on this post, and I think you know who you are.
"PULITZER PRIZE" winning photo taken in 1994 during the Sudan famine. The picture depicts a famine stricken child crawling towards an United Nations food camp, located a kilometer away. The vulture is waiting for the child to die so that it can eat it. No one knows what happened to the child, including the photographer Kevin Carter (1961-1994) who left the place as soon as the photograph was taken. Three months later he committed suicide due to depression. A free-lance photographer for Reuter and Sygma Photo NY and former PixEditor of the Mail&Gaurdian, Kevin dedicated his carrer to covering the ongoing conflict in his native South Africa. He was highly honoured by the prestigious Ilford Photo Press Awards on several occasions including News Picture of the Year 1993. Kevin is survived by a seven year old daughter, Megan.
I'm not saying we should count our blessings, but for those who cared, you aren't alone. And for those who think nothing of those who do, you should reflect.
What's over, IS over. But what we have now, we shouldn't be too casual. Click Here
Not too sure what to think about for tonight, but I do hope things get a bit more focused for now. Trying times ahead aside, just don't quite understand how to avoid being caught in the middle for good.
I know Wan hardly visits, but I guess its still worth a mention.
2 days back he mentioned he liked the song Heart, and has been passing it around to friends, which I felt really touched for helping to give it a plug. And when he said he's been playing it at the salon, that was estatic. Thanks sweetie. Really appreciate that.
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Been having lots of trouble sleeping lately, till friday when I finally blew up my head and just dropped dead like a log. That doesn't seem to be the only thing I'm having trouble with too - I've relooked the selection of songs, and I'm beginning to freak out over the NCV (non-commercial-viability ).
Good thing is, I should be able to reorganise the structure, complete the actual recordings, and perhaps finally seek some expert opinions. Just hope it survives the onslaught of comments when the time comes.
The PSI index shot over 100 today again, and the breadthlessness is really beginning to show, with my own breathing whistling a little. And that has gotten me really worried now. Not that I ain't paying no attention to it, just that, I wouldn't want to wind up in hospital on respiration before the album's done. There's so much to do, and I'm so damned eager to finish it all up. Somehow, that's outta reach at the moment. I seriously need the assistance.
Oh, was looking myself in the mirror the other day, and, whatever you may think, I saw myself possessing a small perky ass. OMG. That's so freaking gay! And Angel concluded. And HH concluded. And Kenny concluded... I'm so darned... OMG... Okay... Really random there.
No wonder I was hit AGAIN last friday by this ang mo guy who tailed me down the alleyways till I got to the train station where the buzz finally shook him off. OMG.
Alrighty boys and girls. The haze is getting to me. Headaches back and breathing's slow. Later.z.
Exteriors are deceiving not when anybody really knows how it feels to be in that particular predicament you are in. The question is, why don't they know? Standing with a bird's eye view, perhaps due to past experiences that surpassed all memories, it's easy to forget why things happened in the first place. And hope usually steps in to make it better, regardless if they are true, or false. And that lengthy premise of seeing light at the end of the tunnel becomes very real. Strength derived from hoping to see things better, thirst deprived of the sweet quenches of physical successes. No wonder they call us human. Cos we simply think too much. Now that it's been the most trying time for the last few days, can't seem to find any light nor any tunnels to creep in. It feels like a big black box of coffee powder long expired from its intended use. I've been sitting in front of the computer for the last hour. And I was crying by myself. God. Think I need to get out. Just need company. I hate being stuck in all these stupid obligations, and I think it's about time somebody pamper me than me pampering people, obliging to people's needs, solving people's problems, listening to their predicaments, lending time to people's desperation. I'm desperate too. And all that self-reservations to contain the saneness is driving me insane instead, and confidence just got a storewide discount the more I try not to think about it. I really hope it rains big for the next 3 days. Really big.
The beaches looked stupid today. Somehow. With the haze swarming in and the skies blocked out, it was humid and dusty. Yeah, I got a tan, but the air was choking me a little under these conditions, and I'm just happy to be sitting here in my room with cleaner air right now.
A nice retiree hit on me too, with trunks so gawd-darn low in cut, his shaved (more like balding) pubes were smack right obvious when we chatted. No, when he chatted me up. But he was sweet enough to leave me alone after a while, when I was not showing much of an interest.
You guys like that faded gold heart background? I liked it. And I dropped mine.
Fuck. And now I'm like some ego-centric, self-absorbed moron talking to myself.
Hope you find the new look exciting. It's my exact same sentiments. Discolored. Void of rainbow sunshine patronage. Disgusting.
I'm reliving the nightmare of putting much time and effort in people, only to be sold out. Again. And again.
It's crazy. Nobody really shares the hurt that sinks in until such time when everything else stagnates, and people will ask what exactly happened. I find it overly patronising.
If I have the power to uphold freedom, I surely would. But time and again, my hands get tied up and my mouth gets shut. Things crumble like magical walls of ice, shatters and cracks in a jiffy. I'm so hurt. And all these things that come between my big bright world and myself persistently made me more cynical towards giving freely, with no reservations.
Bemused, I actually witheld more these days than I ever would imagine.
And if you can't understand, check the fucking dictionary.
When you've forgotten who I am, I would be watching the Tele strung up on an apple tree, amidst a garden filled with flowers of all kinds; the scents would be sweet, and the sun basks all that stood below it. So say my name, before it slips out your mind.
And YES! Finally figured out our first official visitor on a big visit number! And the winner is... (DRUM ROLLLZZZZ)
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... MAESTRO!!! For giving this blog the 50,000th visit, you've won yourself a full entry write up about you! Woohoo~! Congratulations!
Gee. I would think we'd have the results for the 50,000th visit in a day or 2. Love to give away my fat tBucks, but tblog's kinda had that feature removed for some reasons. So instead, I will dedicate an entire column and write-up about this visitor plus a mystery prize, as long as I know who it is! So tag on the chatterbox tagboard on the right hand side as you visit, just in case tblog doesn't capture your presence internally!
Had an interesting evening at the awards: finally finished with and closed a chapter which had somewhat been distracting for the last 2 months. But seeing it all being put together, I thought it well worth the efforts. And I had an all-stars crew whom accompanied me.
A light moment at TCC before the event
In black for a smart casual effect.
Angel: the girl who made this happen!
Kenny: the chap whom gave me the limelight!
Alan&Eugene: the dudes whom helped me shine!
A little discussion outside the Auditorium.
Helping out at the awards.
I guess it's only right I mention that the people with me today have somehow influenced, by and large, a part of my making. Not gonna get all mushy cushy here, so, thanks!
The haze is back, and it drifted in within 3 hours from 7pm. It blanketed most parts of the city, with visibility and stench in the air almost a remake of Silent Hill.
On the way home, I thought this was the very first time the road back home seemed romantic.
I suppose it's alright to lament about it, after all, this splitting headache isn't going away, and my lungs are feeling tight. Hope the rain comes soon, with gusts of wind to take the haze out.
Just yesterday somebody came over to fix the neighbor's compressor unit, pumping in new gas probably cos they complained it wasn't cooling the office anymore. And now, the compressor sounds just like a washing machine. It's like... ?!
I love the Lavender Mooncakes from Bakerzin!
And we're gonna have our 50,000th visitor soon (",)
It's been awfully slow day today, judging from the sluggishness in my action, and the total conflict of mind and body. The crawl's slower than a turtle's, not to mention how iron feet can still managed to be plucked off the ground with each step.
It was funny. Despite landing in bed at 5:30 in the morning, I woke about 9:30am, lazed about for half an hour before jumping out of bed. Suddenly had a good mind to revert the lifestyle timing, instead of adhering to U.S. time zone.
And it poured so huge at my place it almost sounded like I was sleeping by the seaside. It ended as soon as it came, and the dust that was kicked up from the bottom of the canal by the rapid flow of water, made a milk shake stir scenario, quite uncanny.
I guess I had a good field day down at the studios, making TP's film come alive within 3 days. I think I've impressed myself somewhat, considering I was lazing half the time in pointless ponder. Now, I guess I just have 3 more pieces of music to go, and one being the main theme. That should be fun. No harm staying positive for a while.
Was at dinner with 2 hot babes, as usual, when a couple of spaced-out topics ruled the table talk. Angel mentioned her mom asked if I was gay, which inevitably pointed to a relationship of convenience I presume. And that, laughably, could mean that her own daughter might be a lesbian in disguise as well. Ha. That was quite a muse.
But I guess the topic that held the table most was the treatment and respect of religion. In so many instances, it sufficed the mind and fed the soul, regardless if there were or no beliefs. I bet the world would need just one religion that encompasses all other Gods and Godesses, all evils and everything else that goes along. Then again, that would be embracing humanity on the whole, which makes no real difference to having, or not, a religion.
That said, I see at least an angel and a devil a day, primarily myself in good and bad. The plot thus thickens, and equated in an equilibrium of what you do, and what others do to you. Point noted, be good.
And DeeBigNehNeh was wearing a sexy low cut. You look pretty darlin'. And you made a boo boo that I was supposed to blog about, but I can't remember. Refresh me?
I've been awfully distracted lately till I don't really know what's going on or what to do anymore. That pretty much explains why I've made no solid posts nor have I even updated myself on anything till it comes close to being expired.
This moodswinging time seemed to have worsened with the passing days, probably due to real issues that I've dealt with quite ungentlemenly. Angel, HH, Ken, and Alicia can probably vouch for that, for they seemed to be the only people I've been in touch with lots more than others, and have probably noticed that drastic change in temperaments - I'm too calmly pissed off over minute things; pettiness at its worst, and certainly divided in my attention.
Earlier on, I thought it would be great to finally streak on the new album, fix parts that needed to be fixed, renew parts that needed to rejuvenate. But, just into the first phrase, I gave up after nearly 50 takes within the hour. That's when I realised how tired I've become from all the late nights and draggy sleep.
And no matter how hard I tried to pull it off, it showed: there's just no lying that I'm below par, not stamina-wise, but focus.
It began to worry me till I took a couple of detours round Chinatown, soaking in the 2am sights of puking bodies and empty cabs. It wasn't so much of finding an inspiration, more likely, trying to find myself.
I've been adrift in the abyss of randomness for far too long, to the point sight is only but picturesque.
As much as I hate to admit, I think I need to recharge, get my ass off the pathetic self-pitying, and find a way to reverse the think-system.
I guess it all started with July. Known fact, I dreaded the outcome of Home's party. The anxiety to fix what went wrong was burning so hot till it synched the fingertips where I was trying too damn hard to touch and make sense. I was duely adviced, that if I get past September, everything would be alright.
We're in October. Everything seems to be shooting everywhere.
Then came the race to fulfill some important obligations, namely to settle the company down, and blow the dust off some old contacts. That race became a dirt-fight, where the anxiety bred desperation to exceed all limits - it turned out that everything was done, nothing was gained.
Take collaboratives for example, they were talked about, they were mapped, they were acted upon, but wave after wave of situational conditioning made them flatliners.
So up comes Plan B, where everything was changed. But that's just so not like me. I build on failures to revive plans. I never needed or wanted Plan Bs. And that's when problems start to intertwine with a brand new learning curve.
Soon after, I grappled with the possibilities of settling in with a brand new crew. Potentials turned up at the door, but fizzled with their own demise just because they lack the confidence to pull it off. But pull what off?! It's as good as getting drenched in ketchup and quickly pulling your T out. That's it! What's the problem?
Yet, all these while, almost 6 months of shuttling between the cruel reality of living, and the clear-view of the journey's destination, I was trying to make an album. How queer. The escapism that never was, and turned out to be a complete boo-boo of sorts which added on the burden to excel, created the pressure to fulfill, and certainly synthesised the hunger to succeed. And even now, I run too damn short on my vocabulary.
If I could count, since May, I've had (composed and written from scratch), numerous pop songs, hardcore sales channel themes, zanny TVC signatures, rearranged "love your country" songs into medleys, doing up school songs, and like I can't even freaking remember anymore - amidst executive producing a short film, over-seeing the company from top to bottom, meeting scores of people, handling sponsorships, projects, work, getting showreels out, doing tons of favors, and investing time in family, friends and loves.
I'm freaking tired out. And that paragraph probably only hightlights the summary of the time since May. And we're only in October.
(Cursor blinks for a good 5 minutes)
I think I'm become somewhat delusional about the future.
But by chance, in my frantic search to get mooncakes for 2 families, I chanced upon a little corner restaurant with Angel, called the Teahouse down at Raffles City. We were hesitant for a bit, but got in eventually. By gosh, I never knew good looking food could be therapuetic.
And a fabulous smile to go with never fails to light up the moment.
Suddenly, it became clear. The haze that clouded the mind somehow disappeared over an hour of slow, savoring eating. It's as if screw-ups actually got you out of trouble.
It's so simple now. I need an engineer, and since that's impossible, I've got to be on my own. It ain't gonna be easy, but the refreshed picture somehow injected life in a cruel way - much like forcing dried gel through a syringe and piercing it right into the eye.
I'm falling back to basics. I need that. For my own.
Gawd. I can never forget the story of fifty bucks to parallel how valued we are. And so I heard about the bet as well. Honestly, I don't really quite know what to say, except that life can be so meagre if gratitude is boundless - but life is therefore suffocated because of selfishness.
