This was one bitch that caught me on a standstill for the longest time, and it actually managed to squeeze itself out of death, and re-invent itself to make it worthwhile to work on.
It ain't done, but I'm getting close. Definitely not a winner I'm so sure.
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Here's a quick rest-stop: if we all die tomorrow, are all our anger worth it? Or would you make peace with the person next to you?
Finally plucked the courage to tell my mom what's been happening since she's been away. Could see all that sadness in her eyes, and the disbelief that unfolded bit by bit, edged with trinklets of doubtfulness over what had happened.
I told her about how people were thrashing me, and she nodded. I told her about what those rumours did, and she looked away. I told her about what happened between me and my girl, she saddened. And I told her about a girl I thought as family but became a turncoat, she hid her gasp.
Then I told her how a film I was part of won big prizes, but I had to leave right after the prize presentation, just to avoid talk. And she brightened a little, although she felt bad that I had to go.
Such has been my life for the last one year plus, avoiding people, staying low key, taking in all that humiliation without even knowing why, just so that I could have some peace. I told mommy that, and she agreed that be the best way. I knew she was bothered, but I assured her that her baby boy has grown up and can take care of himself. That he would be strong, no matter what.
But I inched through that conversation in full masquerade, afraid that she might not take it well - I just wanted to keep her posted, and be proud of what I am doing. But as I spewed all that fake confidence and pride, all that fear and doubts were waiting to burst out every fraction of that second of speech. I survived this round.
I pondered.
How easily words of convenience could service a worry, or become a weapon of choice. Full-on, I'm not afraid to fight, I'm just tired of fighting. I don't see any point of fighting and slogging it out when nobody takes me on like a real gentleman.
I threw in the towel last year, hoping it would all wash away, but I never imagined it could keep going on by itself in full automatic.
Made my way down to the beach last week and I thought it was perfect!
Was a happy kid as usual!
All ready to busk of course! Then...
This happened... What a bummer...
Guess it was one of those days that didn't work out somehow. With the rain clouds moving in fast and rain droplets falling like... rain... omg... it was just so dampening especially having rushed there all in excitement.
Whale and croc probs had a better time surfing the wind than I did.
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Allow me to clarify, or should I say, reiterate: I've had enough of people's false-pretense. It's not like I'm worth it at all, so stop picking on me as a prime target of all your miserable little misdeeds.
It doesn't matter what happens with me and my girl, me and my family, or me and my life; it certainly does not need your intrusion if you do not intend to be part of the happy team working on the same set of goals.
Some words can be extremely sensitive when people do not understand the full extent of what they are saying. So do exercise more depth and sensibility before jumping off the cliffs for a conclusion.
Don't end up like Sylvester - prime time entertainment.
Sloppish is the word I thought would be most apt to describe how people take rumours. The 3rd one over a span of a week, and it left me wondering how afraid people can be of other people.
Somebody once drew an analogy: if I was a Bahkuteh seller, but I've committed some kinda crime. However, I make the best bahkuteh in town. Would people mind who I am, or what I did, or rather just indulge in my culinary skills?
Great description on an instance. But how many people can listen to that, and truly just move on?
I found the source and the root of all this evil. And it so happened that this was the source that told me not to stoop so low as to fight back when tongues wag. How ironic?
However, I do take comfort and respect in those words, though none on the origin. I've struggled for a year plus to put everything behind and even more effort to make sure it stayed low profile, including myself. Yet, the repercussions of mere words have reached beyond comprehensible levels. What does it mean when somebody says somebody else is this and that? but exuberates those same qualities?
Aah. A shot on one's own foot. But nobody will find out as long as the bandage is covered up well enough.
Like they say, of all the secrets, one is bound to escape secrecy. I hope one day, things come out in the open, and everyone emerge winners. For me, I just wish people who have done me wrong, don't continue to do the same to others. I yearn for a peaceful ride, not one filled with suspicions and greed.
That day will come. I want to believe. Cos I want a decent night of sleep without having to keep thinking who I can talk to like an old friend, and not have people be so uptight around me.
Mommy was dealt a big blow when 5th aunt fell really sick, and she's by her side right now to help out. And I asked myself, would a million bucks save the day and steal the show?
I conclude, nope.
Time is the most expensive commodity. The most valuable asset.
And I look forward to a closure on my own set of unbelievable nasties.
Somebody called me a prick apparently... um... can I be a big one?! Then all the girls and boys would wanna know a BIG PRICK! Woohoo~!
ANYWAY! Finally nailed the last song in today! I'm so excited! Would be able to finally get some things moving and hopefully get the album out in time! And Christmas is coming! Pressies for... hmm... haven't made my list.
Am I in yours?!
Okay, here's an announcement. Ms Hippo is currently out the country, anyone who wishes to get in touch with her, um.. find some way la. She sends her warmest regards to everyone. There. Hope I didn't fail you as the broadcast centre =)
They once told me that the first step to freedom is to decide. It doesn't matter how long it takes to decide if freedom is the order of the day, but to get there, that initial decision has to made.
The next step, as I was told, is to decide against. To decide against the reversal of decisions, to stand firm, and to embrace the initial step.
And the last step is where I failed - I never did purchase my ticket out of this place. I could not throw my ass out into the blue ocean over a fear of wasting away and not being able to swim, and thinking about who would bring the boat back to shore.
I thought I've been here all along. But I've really been away for too darn long. Night cyberspace.
"Thank you for the photos. You were such a good host to us . You have all the good qualities I would wish for my own son. I must have overlooked that when you were in college. Have a nice day."
I replied, "It's been my pleasure! I guess everyone has their innocent days when young, where fun and love ruled the world. Youth is one time only, I guess that would be the only way to spend it!"
Other than that, I didn't know what else to say.
I remembered college days as the worst days of my life: I was the Type A trouble maker, the complete profile of a grades disaster, and the dude who turned the school band upside down (I couldn't read scores, I still can't, and Jean can verify that - she's the one who tells me what to play next... imagine that on a set of drums?!). That said, I caused an incredible furore over a girl, after picking on another boy. Ok, let's just put it as troublemaker, bully, or somewhere in the middle.
So imagine the time and effort taken to turn this boy around into a grade C student from a confirmed failure, that must have been quite something to achieve, not to mention having to deal with hiding the school reports from the folks.
Okay. I think you get the picture.
Crux of it all, I was quite surprised to receive the email, on the part where I was remembered. It was warm.
And when I run across to the part about the son, I just thought it so sudden. A revelation of a parent whom dotes so much on the son, but knows not outright. Rightfully though, afterall, it's the same genes.
I just wish everyone take a breather from time to time - be it a parent or a teenager, I think respect is never earned, but always given. We just have to all remember that this life's once, and nothing's gained nor lost.
Okay, I was really on the verge of recounting that somewhat awful experience at PizzaHut with tons of pictures to post - then I just gave it up. Not because it wasn't worth my while, but I seriously thought my doing so could just possibly set off some strong debate. Hence, no complaints till I burst again somehow.
Anywayz, BOYS being BOYS...
Just how do you explain the murderous nature of it all?!
Okay okay. So someone's complaining about me putting up all ugly pictures of him, poking fun at his predicaments, and certainly unempathic about his situations... yada yada blah blah. Soooooo... I've decided to post some nice pictures:
How?! Can or not?!
Honestly, it ain't that I wanna make you look bad but... after hearing about famflets... geez... I can't help it!
Hahahahahahahahahhahahaha hha
Alrighty! So I'm a happy kid, and you a happy kid, and everyone else all happy kids yeah!
No pressure, but definitely excited. Out of the blue we did the vox on Roses. Nice sensual coverage of a song I wrote about some nonsensical predicament. But now that things are drawing closer to a close, I can't help but be pleased. Though the goal is still far from reach.
Tired eyes got the better of me today, especially having too little sleep over the last 2 weeks. It's definitely physical fatigue, just short of falling over and crushing the cushion of strength.
Had some visitors from alma mater today, good to see familiar faces, yet can't help but feeling that affinity fading off and rising like waves. It's a really strange state of mind, much like hugging a giant sponge ball - the harder you hug, the more you bounce right back.
Coming back, the visit was, as it was, a visit. They were quite a patient bunch listening to old man's tales, and really adoring with whatever was presented. And at the end of it, I got a little token of appreciation for my time - an anniversary book which I ironically bought a copy to help with the building fund! Nonetheless, it was a fresh good copy, something to frame up on the walls definitely.
Nice day today.
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Was talking to an old friend online - somehow found this strange bad taboo tagged to me for a really long time: angel and devil co-existing in the same embodiment.
Some people feel so compelled and drawn to me, yet others detest me as a being altogether. How do you explain "not-knowing-you-well-eno ugh"?
Not that I don't agree, but perceptions skew whenever it hits an unforseen block, runs a strange turn, or sometimes just simply being put in a weird vibe.
I asked a simple question once, "Am I good or am I evil?" The answer I came up with was - I'm trying to survive.
Argue all you need and want, but sometimes tagging somebody else with materials and social conduct just do not measure up to sitting down with that someone suspicious over a cuppa, and asking that same one question.
If a grade is given for honesty, I would score an average C. But for survival, I would have a B. But in a complete life, I'd take an A for living and roughing it out per se, on everything that I've ever made a decision on. Life's empty when there are no decisions. And even not making one, is a decision. Only those caught in the limbo, wanting to make one, not knowing how to make one, but still trying to make one stuggles with a million more decisions than would be necessary.
So coming back, am I good or evil?
Let's crack the fortune cookies with a nookie.
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I think we're getting quite close to getting the album in place. Would be great to have a sit in test audience soon to see if there are more we can do for it. The people's album =)
I've been working for zero seriously. Time passed so quickly till it seemed unreal, and the burden to shoulder begins to shatter. Everything feels light and heavy at the same time, not knowing the true gravity of the world.
And so I stumble about for a foothold not to stop falling, but to stop to take in the view.
Will blog more tomorrow cyberspacemen. For now, goodnight.
I desperately need a break. I need to get back to the beaches man! I need to TAN! I need to relax and chill out! OMG.
Something interesting happened yesterday. We were trying for almost 2 hours to nail the vocals for People, only to realise the vibe was all wrong. Somehow, it just became a total misfit for the song. We adjorned, quite inappropriately, to the nearby Mac, and I just had a sundae.
Chatted for half hour I think, before taking a slow stroll back to the studios. Saw someone limping along the way, and spotted this lady who got so pissed drunk that she fell out a cab.
Then we got back to the studios, and nailed it all in a take.
Talk about weird.
Oh, tag on the new board in Nightalive. It be fun.
I had mostly a frustrating day that was spinning out of control - people were not readily responding to my calls and needs - not till half an hour back did it just completely melted me.
You see, the all day 7-11 store in my part of town has this
replacement cashier probably about 18 - bright and cheery looking with big brown eyes, short spunky hair - who mostly comes in on night shifts. He seldom talks, or at least to me, and we just move on the very few rare times we were in the store together.
I remember the last time he was there and I popped by, we exchanged a really polite and warm smile. Not flirting, but more like "nice to see you again" kinda feeling. And indeed, almost everytime we bump into are odd hours like 3am in the morning where the store would be clear, and he probably bored out of his wits.
To think of it, we never did ever spoke.
So there I was in the store earlier on, when I caught a glimsp of him as I entered. I tried to catch his eye, but he was kinda busy, and just as I turned away, he looked up and saw me.
I went about browsing, he cleared out the last customer, and was kinda spotting for me; I looked over, and tried to smile, but another colleague called out. Anyway, to cut a really long story short with all that trying to greet one another process, we finally exchanged big smiles as I was checking out. But just as I was about to say hi, a friend of his came into the store and called him out, and there I was feeling bemused, kinda dumb actually. I left, but it felt nice to see a familiar, and somewhat, warm face, especially when the day felt like crapping on me.
Well I guess its just that. Probably never meant to speak to one another, though I think we would make great beer buddies, judging from our appearances.
So Cyberspacemen, I hope you too, would have a friend in a stranger.
Has a real need to rest. This morning I woke up to the sound of mom's stereo, but she didn't seem to be around, till I found her in the hall, head in hands.
Bad news came across the causeway last night, but I only heard about it in the morning. Felt bad that I missed out, but felt even worse that things weren't going well for the rest of the family.
And I certainly detest waking up to somebody crying.
I suppose some things should be left to run its course.
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Kinda forgot to take pictures tonight, but I'll certainly make it up tomorrow.
Sorry for the lack of updates cos it's been crazy getting Toyo's ideas to be put down solid. Everything's on hold for a week right now, and until I have more time, blogging's gonna be a tad thin.
these flowers that rest on my feet
they keep me warm all through the night
and they say that i would be or might
be a flower in the night
be a flower in the night
these memories that you keep on your shoulders
they keep me alive
no sorries or apologies
could mean how much i missed you
i love you all through the night
i love you all through time
i love you all through time
I couldn't help it, cos I can't stand it. Just saw the saddest scene as I made my way to work - an old lady in a wheelchair was parked right outside the doors of this small budget apparels store within the train station I was passing through, sitting in complete silence, and unmoving. She was dressed in ah ma clothes with a hanky tucked in the chest, almost revealing her breasts.
I saw her caretaker - her maid - browsing the racks inside the store slowly, non-chalantly.
K.
