You know, I'm really cool if people don't respect me for my craft or don't give a damn about my character. That one thing I cannot shut my CB trap on, is play dead.
It's like, hey! you got someone else to help get your stuff done! Great! But don't pretend I don't fucking exist after that.
I've done no wrongs, and don't fucking deserve the cold shoulders.
Which is why I hate some people who have no sense of courtesy - to the core. It's not like betrayal, where people are out to get people. It's a deliberate thing. So no big deal. But when spineless creeps do the hide+seek, it pierces the heart, and stays right there. Every movement aggravates the hurt and fuels the pain; moves the clockworks of momentum for the hatred.
I'm in vengeance mode.
And since I'm at it, I'm also not a standby toy lifeless. It's weird. I get all these heartless freaks who look me up only when they've broke their new toys. And I'm the one who went cold!?
2 groups of people seriously chipped me out today. Thank God I'm just griping here.
Today is one of the worst emo-days I've had in weeks. From the moment I woke till hitting the work at the office, it just sucked through and through. What made it unbearable was visitors popping in right after my lunch and having to put up niceties and pleasantries like it was a bright sunny day.
I hate to do that. Not that its pretentious, but being private for such a long time, I do need time to just think about myself.
I guess being selfish is harder than being righteous.
Alone is what I need to be right now. But no. I still have people to attend to in a bit. Maybe showing all that niceties will rub off on myself. Let's at least try to enjoy the company.
I was given this fabulous free ticket to catch Spidey in the theatres when I found out much later, it was like the premiere, star-studded event, people all dressed, and I was like in T and berms.
Right.
Then, they have to conduct this surrender exercise of recording devices.
Right.
And afterwards, they did a bag check.
What I could totally understand at the event was, they needed to convince the industry that the theatre operator was totally against piracy. What they failed to do was a good show.
The staff were mostly calm, but totally out of place: they were put there only for that purpose, not pre-dedicated to do so. The re-direction of crowd was chaotic: people were there to watch the movie, not go through all these hassle. The welcome mat was laid, but where's the warm welcome? Everyone was like being supervised and surveyed, how warm is that?
I shouldn't gripe, but carrying my work bag, holding 2 umbrellas, 2 hotdogs, and that slip of security pass with me and go through all that exercises, that's totally wrong man.
And guess what? There was a disclaimer: The "operator" will not be liable for any loss or damages to the equipment upon surrendering for security reasons.
these flowers that rest on my feet
they keep me warm all through the night
and they say that i would be or might
be a flower in the night
be a flower in the night
these memories that you keep on your shoulders
they keep me alive
no sorries or apologies
could mean how much i missed you
i love you all through time
i love you all through time
i love you all through time
There's always light at the end of the tunnel, or so they say. That everything will work out and dreams will come true. Wishes will be answered, and good things will come to those who wait. Yeah, it be nice.
Visitor ratio has been declining here, and while it happened, I actually discovered how unkept many other of my favorite blogs are as well.
Perhaps, waning interests are a sign of aging positivity. I can be wrong, but well.
there passed a many seasons
things that took a dive
there would be no reasons just to break down and cry
we got ourselves addictions
nothing's ever mine
everything's a fiction till we're washed away with brine
well, won't you tell a lie?
Of course, that's after a few hours of tinkling endlessly with html-color codes to the brim. Yeah, and so they say, millions of colors for the net. Then again, you only get 256 hexadecimal codes.
And undoubtingly, you become an irritant when you care too much. Everything's important, and nothing's trivial. The human psyche is one instrument of life that remains largely emotionally driven, selfishly or selflessly motivated, but critically impaired under normal circumstances of disbelief, life is lived.
There, I said my peace. As much as everyone is drawn naturally to the light, we secretly indulge in the passings of the morbid cravings. There is no one I have met thus far that exuberates passion and compassion in a single battery cell.
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I got home early today and sat with dad in the hall when I stepped into the house. We were kind of transfixed with the predator story on NGC, followed by this air-crash investigation documentary, and then another. In between he left to pick mom up from her dance class.
The weirdest part was, I'm horrified about flying, and here I was delving into real-life accounts of technology failures, human errors, aviation histrionics, and it was entertainment for now?!
I remember the last recent flight I took was between SG-KL, and the flight was delayed so the pilot took us there in nearly half the time to compensate on arrival time (yeah I know. It's only a half-hour ride OMG). That experience was nerving and scary especially when we hit turbulence. My sis was with me, and half the time she was trying her best to comfort me. Yeah, that's how uncomfortable I am with flying. And rides.
Probably mentioned this in some previous posts, but I don't get how people like Angel, QX, and so many others can withstand being hung upside down at Top Gun, or swang this way and that on Viking, and that spinning thingy that blurs your vision like non-stop on whatever that ride is called.
And you know what? They can fake their screams. OMG. That is just so abnormal. I remember the whole bunch going up the Viking, except me, and all of them screaming taunts at me while they swing left up, then screamed horrendously fake swinging right up, and then repeat the whole routine till I felt dizzy watching them. Asses.
I ain't embarrassed about my fears, just that the last ride I ever took was on the roller coaster which made me puke, and forever cursed my time on rides to zero and into the negatives.
Still, it's cool to be weaving in memories unless everything else demands my attention.
Got a messy weekend coming up with job strewn all over and favors to take to task. Just hope that I don't need to be wearing glasses on my sunny days after that.
Okay, I'm seriously very tickled by all that bad-press over Ministerial pay increments. I simply don't understand why there are so much complaints over the transparency publicised, and the worse bit is, taxation in Singapore is really low, and the majority of people are probably not even footing the bill for the bigwigs. When the government announced the Shares, everyone was cool. Then, new budget for pay package announced, everyone went boo. That, is Uniquely Singapore. Complain only.
Akin to this: we used to buy rice by weight along with other supplies until one fine day, someone invented selling rice in plastic bags of 5 and 10kgs. People lamented the extra weight, and shopkeepers woed over the prospect of not selling the exact weight customers wanted. Today, with family sizes averaging 3 to 4, 5kg lasts a FEW months, and nobody ever complained about the sack of rice anymore. Mundane? Sounds familiar? You're truly Singaporean.
Was down at the Esplanade to catch mizeryFree in action, but I didn't take much pictures really. The stage lighting was, yeah, Getai enough.
One shot from the distance.
One shot from behind the Front of House.
One shot from, you guessed it, their resident cameraman.
One shot OF the resident cameraman.
And one shot of the resident EMOman.
Good show, richer sound, plenty of crowd, what can you ask for? Like that lor. +)
And to the band before that, you guys overdid your set. Yeah, right, I would have done it if I'm so good myself, but point is, I'm the audience, so I win. =)
The full divide that separates perceptions and believes had deformed so excessively that it was quite difficult to tell each apart.
I've also been bombarded by emails of analysis and quotes pertaining to the pay increment for government servants. Quit whining if you aren't at the top seat. If you want a say, do politics, don't whine. It's fucking irritating.
----------+----------
April 07, Friday the 13th, 8pm.
Mistaken Identity 'Live' At The Esplanade.
Didn't quite see a need to elaborate the situation.
Didn't quite see the need to take clear pictures as well.
Halfway through I was actually ready to just sink back in my chair.
Not much of an effort to think the numb song.
I was on watch duty in the late afternoon on a pretty cool day, nothing much happening except for swatting a couple of mosquitoes. Then a haphazard offensive occured; soldiers were popping out from the treeline forward, and firing continuously at mine location. I raised my rifle and got practically everyone in sight, fired at as many as I could spot, and ran. My own team joined thereafter, and we started hammering at the offensive pretty quickly, while withdrawing further down the line.
Fighting was everywhere, and in the day, everyone could see everybody else. I just continuously got the advancing opponents in my scope and fired, and they just went down like target boards.
I couldn't remember how long the fighting lasted, but it felt so long that I couldn't make time out anymore. By the end of the ceasefire, all was quiet, and I made my way back to base alone, all drenched in sweat to the skins and bones. I knew I was injured somewhere, but I couldn't make out where.
And as I made my way, I spotted another team holding ground at another end of the area. We were all soldiers, but that's all there is, and was. I approached a commander, saw his Captain rank, and saluted promptly. He saluted back, and I asked if he had seen Platoon 110, my platoon. He thought for a brief moment, and said I should try the direction he was pointing to. I thanked him, packed my bags, and left.
I had no idea what happened thereafter, except I regrouped with my guys, and finally made it into a decent shower room. I looked closely and noticed how badly my lips were bruised on the right side. It hurt to touch, but certainly bearable for the next battle. That's when I realised something was wrong with the entire battle.
Reached for my rifle in an instant and took it apart. Checked every component, but it was all okay. Then I recalled the fighting: every single shot I fired did hit someone, but as soon as he fell, someone popped up later. And it was always the same guy that fell in the position.
I was firing blanks.
I didn't manage to kill anyone effectively, and nobody on the opposing end could manage to hit me for real as well.
Then I woke up. At 3am in the freaking morning, just like yesterday at 2. I was completely tired out from the past 2 days of nightmares that I could hardly sort out what is real or not real anymore. And to think I came into the office this morning at 10:30am didn't quite help. I needed sleep badly.
2 days consecutive dreaming has me worried. Something else is gonna happen. I'm not just feeling it, I'm seeing it.
Hi there! We are satanist and we hate jesus! come join us!
posted by: jennabush post date: 04.11.07 (7:47 am)
This was a comment left by some super-bored individual yesterday on the post "YONDER".
I was happily asleep for the last 2 hours until I jolted myself out of bed. It just happened. I woke for no reasons, and I was having a fabulous dream all, but it just happened. It sucked. I wanted to sleep.
So I kinda dragged myself out of bed, had some honey had some bread, had a pee and cigarette. I'm tired. But I just can't seem to switch the mind off things. Dumb thing was, everything. I mean, it can't just be working on its own without instructions and rules. Somehow, I felt this has something to do with somebody. But I can't put my finger on it just yet.
For something this severe, I'm definitely gonna get to the bottom of it.
I think matchsticks are one of the most water resilient things on earth - you wet them, take them out and shake them dry, and they'll still strike. I think cigarettes are the most innovative products on earth - every brand logo is left behind after its done, and despite the space constraints, they can always be identified. I think belts are the best fashion statements - be it casual or formal, one glance, and anyone can tell if you've put an effort dressing yourself up.
I think picture frames are the biggest dilemma - you can never put a picture on its on to stand out, yet, with the wrong frame, things don't feel right. I think ear-plugs are the weirdest things to use - you put them on to avoid loud noises, but you can never ask why you're there in the first place. I think speech is the toughest thing to engage in - you may be saying the nicest things, but if you don't mean it, anyone can tell.
I think colors are amazing - we'll never pick a black flower for mommy, or choose a white pan to cook in. I think envelopes are the most mysterious things to receive - the contents either make you happy, make you sad, or totally kill you. I think smiling is a good exercise - everyone does it, but hardly knows why.
I think butterflies are the gentlest insects around - they don't bite, they don't disturb anyone, and they certainly don't shit on you. I think water bottles are funky - you carry the cutest when you're young, carry the coolest when you're in school, carry the biggest when you have a family, and carry a plain one when you're old. I think paperclips are undermined - they not only hold papers or folders together, or whatever else you want them to hold, but are bendable to suit the mood.
I think whining is a good way to have a break - you whine, then you still get back to whatever it was you were whining about. I think you still don't know what I'm talking about.
For many months now, it has been an uphill task readjusting to society in general. I didn't really need to, and obligations aside, I only have anger to justify the cause. What would have been, were not, but what could have been, will not. The oxymoronic state of mind is the single, most powerful condemnation to sustain.
I've rested quite some, and bounced back somewhat today to a day half-spent, and half exited. Worrying got the better of me, troubling swept me down, the swine. To the curious onlookers, I bowed in earnest regret - no good man stands alone, no bad man works in communities. Hunger has driven the starving to beg, poverty driven the poor to oblivion, cynism driven me to madness.
Between this and that, I choose to stay neutral, just so that I am objective in accessing the collateral damage and to rectify the confusion. Dispelling truths are hard, but dispensing with them all together can be a nightmare. And grieving will hopefully come soon.
I need some more fresh air. For the air I breathe needs a revamp. No style, no substance. Just bad air.
Okay. This is the weirdest week I've got myself through. Everyone says I'm putting on weight. That means I'm getting fat. And that means I'll soon become a chub! GASP!
Well, anyways, I'm just too tired to type out the whole day's events. Just know that I had a somewhat unloaded myself with glee. Took some emo pictures to share. Enjoy!
Don't mind me. In my current state of mind, incoherence is only as natural as salt in soup, pepper on grill, and sugar in honey. From top down till bottom, I've gyrated possibilities to resolve the current predicaments. Well, not exactly predicaments that severe, but maybe just savage thinking.
I'm feeling quite unsettled with the news of the half-god coming to town. Not that it's any of my concerns, just that, he seemed to be looking at me.
I don't like that.
And to think I got a random confirmation today, again, on the piercing eyes. None colored, just blacked out. Yet, they penetrate the core like a hot knife through butter. That's so apt.
I'm already thinking about recovery procedures and cessation paperwork. Confidence has been flooring into the basements lately, after been hit twice, in a single week, over my own judged capabilities. Not that it matters, but somehow, it involved a lot of money in the big picture.
I remember this world-conquering game where the map is spread across the screen with all kinds of goodies up for grabs in a free-for-all. Anybody can take anything, except owned stuff. And you see money sprawled across the meters, jumping incessantly as the game moves along. Now. Take out the money factor, and all you have is pure fun.
Divide and conquer as they say. Question is, how does the build up takes place foremost?
If thinking too much paints the formula, then decipher this: why would the half-god make a trip a quarter round the globe? What if we meet? In truth, I think I have my answers in a pocket notebook.
Been extremely hooked on this Ah Mei song. It's probably the Gospel rendition along with the rock vibes that got me. Otherwise, there were only 2 lines in the song that I respected. Granted, I think hitting something, regardless how little, is better than none.
Butter me on this one, but I think a lot of good writers don't get the worthwhile recognition other than being presented with more opportunities to do what they do best without the recognition. And top that off, I don't believe a songwriter can hit the jackpot twice in a lifetime.
One hit wonders are probably the real music heroes.
Nonetheless, I've been on huge doses of WWE for the last couple of nights to the point, it has become quite pointless. I really wish to do something. Anything. But that's just that. Riding on empty.
Of course, at 4am, connections to the sites are like cleared highways at the same time.
Just the other day I was driving down ECP for the first time at gently over 140kmh. I think I fell asleep or something, cos I couldn't remember how fast that feeling was. All I could sense was cars moving really slow all around me, I and was purely chasing after a blue and another white colored cab down the expressway.
Funny, considering at that speed on a night where I was totalled at the KTV joint, it felt refreshing blasting the stereo and just simple, wondering off to dreamland.
I hate the feeling of speed, like I hate plane rides. But tipping the needle over the 140 mark felt easily easy. It's awesome when there's nothing but darkness and a trail of lights that form on both sides of the roads in amber. Kinda brought me back to Beauty World. Funfair rides so slow you can crawl faster, and cheap roadside stalls that gives you 5 darts or a pack of arrows for a dollar. Of course, you'll never win anything.
Those were happier days when mom and dad still held hands, and me and sissy still scream and giggle in excitement under the sea of lights. I didn't wear glasses. Didn't need to. And everything was crystal clear in all spectrum.
I gather, we all miss that. But I also gather, the ice-cream man had better field days in nice suits, basking in popularity.
There were no pictures. Therefore, it could have been make-belief.
It's kinda late isn't it? For many things. One thing I've very rarely done is to ask for a light from strangers. I don't know why. Maybe I felt it hideous a task to be performed. Already a half-beast and still getting aid for destructing. Vanilla tasted good today.
You know what be nice? A day down at the beach, soaking in the sun, cool beer, light music, cool breeze. Sandwich for lunch. More sun. Throw some Frisbee. Watch the sun set. Grills for dinner. Some wine. Watch the lights come up. Head home. Sleep.
I'm beginning to realise how difficult it is to please myself these days, considering I'm in the customer service realm of routines, nothing beats pampering. Getting overboard with self-indulging material showers has somewhat become real-life, and to top it off, it actually sinks in for a while, then floats to signal its buoyancy to reality.
The sad stage of getting myself out of everyday nightmares and re-routing the senses to insensitive fun will soon numb the hierarchy of pleasure and excitement. I do foresee the necessary act of doing something that is real. Real not for the sake of being real, but for its emotive curative bi-product and the soothing of the anxiety that preludes every worry and stress.
I do hope things don't get too hot for the next few weeks cos the body's been signaling a slow-down and deterioration from the past few weeks of trauma. So for today, it's back to the office for some tidying up, chat some more, then black out on the sofa for peanuts.
Waste the life away.
Did you know that even till today, I sicken at the sight of soldiers? World peace it may be I preach, but that sickly uniform in shades of the environment just simply contradicts the beauty of the environment with its what-if actions.
Or perhaps I should stay home and repent my past thoughts of getting myself into bed.
That's the name I gave to this new color palette. Just somehow felt this affinity between them that I can't explain. Maybe cos they all look and feel waxy. Maybe. So where's everyone been eh?
Since there isn't many to lament to, I'll just do it here: about being axed from a project. It's funny cos, for whatever variety of reasons, with fanfare or not, that people give to me whenever they want me out of something, those reasons somehow turn out to be the lame excuses I couldn't have imagined. Ok, this is really in my context, so don't go lambastic over it.
Point is, for everything that works in a direction, any other directions would give color and texture as so long we get to where we want. Streamlining processes are great for logic, but explorations are meant for living.
The most annoying part is: they cannot say exactly or precisely why my involvement suck. Hey, sure I've had my days and fair share of screw ups, and certainly I would concur that I ain't the simplest plankton to be working with, still, come up with something neat man! Original, creative, and hopefully humorous at least! Not some, "oh, think you ....." Think?!
Ok ok. I can argue till cows go home so before that happens, I'm declaring a week off for myself! So that I can head to the beach, avoid the landlord, and reduce energy consumption!
Ooh. I wanted to blog more but hunger's calling! So being on my day off, I'm gonna stop here tonight! Woohoo~!
You know, I'm really cool if people don't respect me for my craft or don't give a damn about my character. That one thing I cannot shut my CB trap on, is play dead.
