Can you imagine a matured person whining out loud how much his legs hurt walking down the stairs?! And can you imagine how this same person could complain about others' attitudes when he's got one himself?! Well. You're looking at him.
I hit the roads again to tie up all the lose ends for the band's coming performance. It sucks to be mis-interpreted, and its sucks more when people who aren't what they are, think they are.
Let's put it this way, I wanna blog about it, but just darn not have the vibe to. Don't even know how to, that's the problem.
So in short, Janet, you suck. Not just literally, and I don't care who you suck anyway, but yeah, you suck.
Amidst all that brouhaha about growing old and getting slow, I decided to plunge myself into Granado Espada - full-throttle, just to prove my peers that I, old as I am, could still be just as quick, novel, and passionate about Gen Z's favorite passtime: MMORPG.
So for the last couple of days, after the game-makers announced the final dateline to get free game visits of up to 90 days by 31st August, I've relentlessly committed myself, at least 2 whole hours, of non-stop gaming to hit level 20.
And it's getting on my nerves.
Firstly, my bandwidth sucks, and the game jerks whenever more than 10 players brushes pass. Secondly, I'm still clueless about the game's objectives: to win for satisfaction, or to just hack-and-slash the minions of a virtual world, potentially with friends. Thirdly, no one I know is playing with me, and it gets awfully lonely cos... I'm consistently overwhelmed in a wave of attacks.
And to think I've been begging YOUNG people to play with me, and they just snort at me for being a big kid. Tamade. What's wrong with a um... mature... person playing games wor.
It's been a strange couple days. And the horror scope reads:
"Have you been struck by frequent bouts of deja vu lately? These recurring patterns in your life are things you should keep a close eye on, because they could be early warning signs of some destructive or counterproductive behavior. Just keep track of the things that keep happening to you, and do not think that your life is governed by happenstance. Something is guiding these events -- and that something is you. You'll soon see what you need to change."
A friend just sent me an M4A file... telling me I was involved in the recording... which I was like... um... I don't really remember?! It kinda sounded too unlike what I would do normally lol. But it sounded good! =)
I must have been involved in the making of too many bands' music till I'm too hung up about it all. Overwhelming. That's the magic word.
Well, I lost my Sunday working for people's datelines, and I don't quite enjoy doing that anymore. The real sense of achievements these days are when I actually make it to bed tired with myself, and not over someone else. And today's not gonna be one of those days.
The band's been working really hard - had a bad Friday, but a salvaged Saturday. It's working out slowly, although our off-day days is still truly too obvious. We're putting in our best, but seems like the show's currently on hold due to some... really dumb... technical restrictions. Whatever is the case, it's really up to the venue people to sort it out before we move any further. SO yeah. Everything's on hold.
Everything. Tamade.
Here's a shout-out to the people who's been running by here: senselessness has finally met senselessness!
Little ones that I stick them into the last notice board I used to have, in multi-color dumbbell shapes, holds some of my most silliest exploits: the air-gun target boards, the Polaroid of Kurt pretense, the photograph of my head in the stone statue nose, my first 4D slip, the Crow postcard, my first completed jigsaw of Charlie Brown hugging Snoopy, the Hard Rock Cafe tab, the ticket stub to Shenzhen's world park, my Saint Andrews badges, and my Sennett prefectorial badges.
I want to go back to school.
Honest.
Strangely though, people who's been in my room don't quite notice what pins on my walls. I leave so many little clues about myself all over the space, yet, people still come up and ask me things they could have just as easily found out. Hmm, empathy needed.
It's been a strange week actually. I can't seem to grasp the week itself when things just keep going fleeting by. What's worse is it keeps going.
And I thought when I have plenty to do I'll be happy, but guess I was wrong. Perhaps I'm just simply losing that magical touch where the energy brims with hardcore manic interests. Looks like I need a brand new source of inspiration.
Once again, tomorrow's beach plans are on the verge of tipping back into oblivion.
Someone called me a liar today, after I withheld personal information. I know how it feels like to be left out of the loop, it's as if people don't have your trust, and don't think they are highly regarded. I've been there, especially when you are young and the groupie sense of things could just drive you totally nuts.
Truth is, I am a very private person. I may speak a lot, and chat non-stop, but very personal information is usually left there, private. It would be strange to air dirty linen right in the public domain, but still, whether or not the conduct has been moral, that's a completely different issue.
I don't think I would have lied about private things. After all, if I do not wish to answer, I would have already said so. And if I bothered a small elaboration without the answer, I think at least I tried.
To be fingered at for lying just because I did not do the full monty on my private matters is simply uncalled for. Put it this way, I may be a friend, but hey, you ain't me. Even my mother doesn't know how I trim my nose hair, why should you?
Well, silly things aside, what's everyone up to? Haven't been hearing from a lot of you. Work is work, yes, but catching up for 5 minutes isn't that tough is it? So start catching up!
I'm at least learning how to breathe easy. The weekend's been a relaxing one, by loafer standards, and there wasn't really a lot to cover except keep thinking till the whites make their repeat appearance over the crown. It's kinda having an hour glass overturned and having the sand stuck halfway for some moisturizing reasons. Not that it isn't a good thing; it's nice to be slow for a while.
I've been hearing break-ups and tie-woes past the marriage phase lately. I guess it isn't something I would harp on, and certainly not to be intruding upon, but hearing it just sometimes break my mentals.
Yeah, I have no heart to say heart.
An already terrifying experience, I believe it shouldn't go beyond that by hoping things would become better. A broken porcelain plate glued back to perfection will still reek of the fine crack lines. To heal them lines are like ditching the living into the lion's den.
Sometimes its better to overlook differences and work out the commons. Like they say, no stranger is stranger than yourself. I personally often overlook my own reflections regardless of time and place, and potential yield my own minds to make-believe that it will all work out. But it does not, as long as Heaven's watching, and people doing.
So says the totems of the ancient worlds where man pit themselves against themselves for things that the lifespan would still eventually eat away by itself and turn to dust that gets blown aways by the winds of passing time. If you read 'She' by Rider, you would know that immortality is not in us, it's in what we do. Remember the Rock Hall of Fame?
We may be the MTV generation where Elvis might still ring a bell, but if the next generation strongly believes chicken comes from the supermarket, then I think its only apt we blow out the thoughts of being immortalised.
Gosh, things can change so fast and so unexpectedly we should just enjoy the ride and fall right off when the time comes.
Across the sacred mountains lie our playground where being together would be staying apart, to be tormented and heave a sigh of relieve both at the same time just for self-gratifications and logic. Perhaps we should look over that pasture and continue through, and we might just find that staying apart hurts more than being together.
There are a select few whom think I speak wisely. I beg to differ. Chosen or not, decided for or against, I just rumble like the royale rumble: every men for himself - some to stay on, others for else. It doesn't matter does it. Like someone puts it, "whatever works for you" is only apt. I would like to think it's "whatever makes you happy".
Needless to say, when we begin to fly, we begin to forget what's on the ground. When we being to soar, we forget the sights of slow flights. And when our winds don't rise to the occasion, laments can only take the place of hope. Then again, why bother when you have already had it all?
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Yes, Nightsound will be playing an official show very soon. I'll keep everyone posted.
And so I was told I sounded terrible over the phone. It's been a while since I stood by the balcony and just looked out into the night, and the feeling stood by that hundred nights of idling and admiration of bricks and concrete, trees and water.
How nostalgia plays you and your imagination.
I'm surprisingly standing still against the winds of novelty - the practise today knocked my windpipes clean and I begin to wonder all those years of smoking must have been good to remind me how precious life had been, and how acute life could become. No puns intended.
And after a short nap earlier on did I find my voice on the verge of loss, yet again, and signs of losing it for weeks are showing, blaring the symptoms like horns on a flat wall behind me.
Hence, as I geared up for it, bad news guys. I'm losing my voice yet again, after 2 weeks of rehab to bring it back since the last bout of flu, cough and fever, it's going again. Let's hope it holds up enough for me to tell the doctor, that is when we get there, how badly I need it for the next 2 months.
I guess there isn't much a point lamenting, considering it's minute and someone else can always take over. Drink lots of water like they say. But I say the chocolate milkshake I just had was awesome.
*Coughs* (as I ponder what else to add)
That's it. Tomorrow's luncheon at home is for big bro. Happy Birthday! As usual, I forgot the pressie =)
Rest assured, I'm definitely keeping myself posted on all your blogs, that is if you have updates even. What I sense the hype of blogging wearing off like a fad, and everyone's stopping all that griping online and going back to the age-old best-friend theory. Good call, at least you know someone's definitely listening.
My visitor counter's either broke, or I'm simply stuck with updated records with zero viewers. Hmm.
Now that I've readjusted my schedules proper and actually made efficient time over my daily routines, plus the fact that I finally thrashed the AI in Civ3 (Mac) for the ultimate win, I'm crawling back to this space for some decent reports. Actually, it's just griping about and about.
First up: dirty, tricky, nasty and dumb clients. I can't understand how people like that could live with themselves cheating others out of their time, brave efforts, and hard-earned money. If you want it cheap, go to the dollar store. If you want it fast, try the ten minutes cut, if you want it value for money, try the hypermarts. Premium services will command premium prices. Nothing less.
I have this dude who paid up after I slapped him with a potential levy for his late payment. He delivered the cheque in person, dated just a couple days before, yet, lied about having sent it out weeks ago. Then, he's got another job, and tries to fool me into giving him below-the-market rates. I was so sick of arguing with him, and told him I'll honor the price (he brazenly claimed I offered that price before), as long as he pays on the spot. He agreed, made an order, and eventually, postponed it indefinitely.
Next: people who know they don't know and tries to convince others that they know even though others know they don't know and they themselves know that others know they simply do not know.
This lady writes to ask a couple questions, seeking my professional advice. I gave my two cents, she agreed, and kept wondering if it would still be economical and easier to do it her way. I helped her work out the pros and cons, and she knows I am right, and wants to do it my way, but still ponders if she is right, and insists she is, although she thinks I have a better solution.
?! (for those who know me, you would know the expression on my face)
My final straw: Tissue sellers. 5 packs for a dollar. Breakfast time, lunch time, dinner time, supper time, any time! As so long you are in some eatery or F&B establishment, they'll tout 5 packs for a dollar. People buy to chop place. That's it!
I mean... If I would buy 5 yesterday at dinner time, I'm sure he or she would remember. But no. They ask you to buy another 5. You kindly reject, and they persist. So? Might as well buy their whole plastic bag's worth? 20 bucks maybe? for a whopping 100 packs?! And use it like forever?!?!
Anyway, without all them characters, what would life then be eh?
Life, as I know it, has an extremely funny way of bringing me back to unfond memories: every now and then, I would just stumble recklessly over some situation that I can't seem to get myself out of, and end up visualising rainbow days and soft pelting of a passing shower.
Last year we thought it would be cool to support a students' awards showcase by putting in time and efforts in helping to put the show together. I personally thought it would be awesome to return some to society, and perhaps get a little publicity for the company.
It was cool, last year. They put up the show in a casual setting where people would come sit in an auditorium as they gave away fine recognition of our up and comings. But this year, it was just tough. We weren't told of the presentation format, and we just blindly let ourselves into a mass orgy of industry professionals and student-hopefuls with a sit-down buffet of sorts.
All the years since its inauguration, the company I used to work for was a strong supporter. But for these 2 years, we kinda took their place. And all it took was to run into my ex-boss in the most uncanny circumstance to totally throw me off my feet.
It's tough to mention, and even to begin why I would react so shakenly over the whole situation. Perhaps having no alcohol at the presentation was a bad thing: a few drinks might have made me completely oblivious to the environment, and just simply breeze through it as if I never was there.
I had nothing to be ashamed of, but I was trying to avoid the spotlight of being anything at all. Alas, how far-fetch that would be to even think about, considering I have so few trust-worthy friends by my side now.
We all think back and smack ourselves silly time and again over past actions and decisions. I certainly am not any stranger to that. Dealing with public relations is definitely one of my worst traits, not to mention PR in itself must have been my grade F subject. I hate to mingle: and I totally can't afford to play the game anymore - simply, because I am no longer in that capacity to tolerate pretenses and niceties for the sake of niceties.
I would dare say, there was no saving grace.
I hesitated to shake his hands, but I thought the least I could do was to say hi. After all, he may have taught me nothing in my professional field (that is, it is true, masters will always save one final stroke from his students to avoid being upsurged), but he has certainly taught me to stop being foolish.
Aah. Wise indeed.
It is times like these that make you think about your subsistence, overtaking the absence of reality while you are in it: there are no friends in work, only enemies. It is not how you get to be friends with your peers, but how to defend against them in the subtlest way.
That reality hit me doubly hard and triply fast. But, what can I do to action upon that learning? Stay clear of the game? Or simply just take it and swallow it like a bitter pill that paves the way to greater successes? You know, at the back of my head, I wanted to just send a little greeting over SMS: Hey, I know lots been said about me, but I hope it doesn't spoil the friendship. Was great to see you.
And that, would have been nice. But would therefore be perceived as feigning innocence and claiming credibility, which, I have none by now.
It of course, does not help when I have not the opportunity to tell my side of the coin while it's always been flipped onto the other.
Despite seeing a dear friend, I didn't have much of a heart to stay for long. I obligated the ceremony by presenting some awards, stayed for a while, and left shortly after before the whole show ended. It sucked because I could not be there to continue supporting those who need that extra push to get to where their potential would, just simply because of the demise of my own pride. It wasn't trying to yank a hole and hide kind of pride, there was just none.
What pride can a person have when the picture presented tells otherwise, and dignity does not even have an acknowledgment in the swing of things?
As I left clutching my wallet and phone through the main doors of the hotel ballroom, I felt like a real let-down for the many hopefuls who might have wished to speak to me for a shot, whatever that shot might be. Putting the cultural upbringing aside, which would have made it quite impossible for that to happen, perhaps there might be one that I can at least share my experiences with - if he or she is even willing to listen.
I know many whom I've been in touch with of late is in the loop on this blog, but I must say, I'm not losing confidence - I think I just want some peace. Too much dust has been kicked up and it's taking really long for it to settle, let alone clear up for a better view. In truth, there will never be a better view for we would never stay at the same spot when that happens, and the specks would have made anyone uncomfortable anyway.
I must have stepped outside for a cigarette thrice, just to avoid any undue attention that might fall on me. Good or bad, I'd really love to keep to myself. And strangely, I finally realised why I've never really stopped smoking. It isn't the thrill or the coolness. I mean, come on, who even thinks smoking and ending up with brown teeth and heavy breathing is cool? But I guess I still do it just to get my 5 minutes worth of silence and peace whenever a storm is kicked up. And sometimes, it is just to ponder why I am even alive to be humiliated (even by myself) in the first place?
There wasn't much motivation to blog tonight really, although the drive home just kept pressing images of the night's events through and through, over and over again in the head. I suppose that short bit of time spent looking at myself in the mirror the very first time I stepped into the gents at the hotel just made me do this.
As I looked at my own reflection, I remember asking: why are you here?
At that point, I had no idea. Just a unanimous answer of agreement. The longing for acceptance has long past. Time has only left enough to cover the daily human questions, barely, like what I should have for lunch or if I would like a glass of water since I'm feeling thirsty.
Whatever the case, I'm glad I scrapped myself out of that uncomfortable situation alive and well. Maybe not, since tongues may still wag. Then again, does it matter?
And of all people, that one girl whom I used to encourage and support throughout school, but eventually betrayed my integrity by blaming me for something I never did and putting me out of a prospective job, was sitting with us at the same table. I hesitated for a long time before I sat, and when I eventually braced myself to, she, could not rest eyes on me.
It could be that she still thinks I am at fault, or it could that she is afraid I might confront her. I could have, and I wanted to, but I did not. Too much drama in my life already, and I think it is more than enough.
Drama since childhood to teenage, to being a fresh graduate working, up till becoming a new start up company, I think I don't need more at this point. Happy endings would be fantastic, but to go through it, I'd like to have it wait out till I'm all settled in, strapped in my pilot's eject seat with a secure parachute, and I'll have it all.
One night, and I'm completely disoriented.
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Lars has always been a truthful and honest friend. We didn't know each other very long, but enough to sit and have a decent cuppa any time of the day, with enough topics to last and overflow.
I did briefly mention my exit plan after hearing how things were picking up for him: I'm the lazy dreamer, he's the hardworking realist. I respect him as an icon and a benchmark, and seeing him resets my wandering temperals every single time.
If there's someone to drink my last cup of coffee with, that's Lars. Of course, for my last cup of bubble tea...
Coming back, I briefly spoke of the exit plan, and his reactions were, funnily, gravely worried and concerned. I must admit, I'm not any less capable. Perhaps luck might have something to do with it. But I certainly lack that confidence to suck in the recognition and rice, although I would have won hands down (between us), the formulation of real-life. He's the ripe grape, and I'm the vine.
Nevermind how far apart our maturity in different areas of thoughts or how advance or backwards our behaviors towards certain events and circumstance are, we are, strangely, an exact reflection.
Mom was certainly right: I'm slow simply because I was born, by the hours, slow. And from then on, I will be slow. And therefore, I am slow. I may get, but it won't be up to speed.
Weird how births can determine the future, and how deaths can predict the past.
Just got off the phone with X'Ho for a recorded interview over the new album. Interesting. Considering we did it past midnight and I was about half awake LOL.
Nonetheless, it's going on 30th August, not too sure about the time, on Radio Singapore International. It's on the AM dial at 6080kHz, 1100hr - 1400hr (UTC) and 6150kHz, 1900hr - 2200hr (Singapore time).
And you can hear a half-awake cuckoo talking about his music and band.
Today's been a good day certainly, and the sky was just simply breadth-taking. So Euge Alan + me decided to break away from the city and run to Cafe Del Mar.
Let's see. Interesting weekend, considering I got my tan over the Friday, and nothing pleases me more than a mild sun and great awesome breezes. So I start this week with a nice little tan and a while lot of exhaustion from Sunday's shoot.
Crowded, but I ain't complaining!
Happy Kid Me!
Anyway. This kinda came up urgent, so we had to do a really hasty shoot for the band to do some promo. Didn't take much pictures so you probably have to live with just these:
Kevin getting his make up done with Red...
Alan having his hair done...
Euge and XR looking silly...
And me getting the final touches from Mink! Super job Minko!
It's been a really long 8 days. Fell sick, piling work, lengthy meetings. What else can be worse?
I promised to post up pictures of The Cure concert, but ended up all tied up instead. Please find the pictures HERE.
Anyway, hello to Singapore. Happy Birthday. Yeah, and I'm still at the office.
There's been some really interesting developments for myself, considering my personal projects don't just get more queer, they get bigger and more costly as it goes. This one coming up is a big one. Secret. Will let you guys know more in the coming days!
Just to make a note: couple days back when I was still all sick, I was playing some games cos the meds where keeping me awake. Got hungry at around 2am in the morning and went round the house looking for a bite. Settled with a pack of chocs and gleefully had it all.
Went to bed, and guess what? The endorphin-rush from the sugar-coats had me laughing in my dreams throughout the night. I didn't know why but that must have been the funniest night I had in years. But don't try this at home. It might be dangerous.
If not for the exhausted batteries, I would love to complete this entire blog tonight with the limited full load of pictures and footage to show you guys! So, yeah, you gotta wait till they charge!
Can you imagine a matured person whining out loud how much his legs hurt walking down the stairs?! And can you imagine how this same person could complain about others' attitudes when he's got one himself?! Well. You're looking at him.
