I kept wondering how much of a deal I make to people really. I'm neither here nor there, quiet, and mostly reserved except with those I'm cool with, yet, the exuberance of a greater than life persona seem to stick.
It really did begin this morning when news broke that someone in the extended family was down with cancer. One thing led to another, mom lamented about me and my limited capacity and resources to provide for. I wasn't hurt by that remark, for I do understand everyone's need to put down their hearts and feel the breeze of peace, and as such it is no wonder she would lament. Nag in local terms.
But I've no heart myself to tell her I would have moved out if not for mom and pops just so that I can have some of my own space, time, and loneliness. Perhaps loneliness did put us together in some odd way, then again, it's hard to break away.
With that, she literally lambasted my efforts to calm her down with logical and positive thinking, citing that she should just shut her trap for good. I guess the pressure really got to her, like it does every other time.
I left it as that for today. Probably leave a little earlier tomorrow so that she can sulk with her friends. It's tough to sulk with family, especially when I'm the son.
Nevertheless, when I got to work, I literally fell over the prospect of working through the day. If commitment is one thing, acting on it takes a whole lot more energy. And as I grind my way through, I managed to salvage an hour of nap time before the presentation. By the time I woke up and got the call, the scheduled presentation was an hour later. That was when I actually cursed at being at work today at all.
Well, some changes are good. I've certainly grown to groom and look after myself a whole lot more. To the point I think clients do mistake me as some fresh graduate some times. Funny thing is, I don't mind, but they do. It's hard to convince clients when they take you a whole lot younger and under-established. Needless to say, I breezed through today's without much comment - just beamed and smiled my way through to get the job done.
It got done, and that was that. But some serious thoughts did put me back a whole lot: I'm but a name, not really anything more.
Frustrations of world- and clock-works do make us bend backwards at times, but considering the salvation of our own minds do speed it up and re-create a vacuum of namelessness. It doesn't matter what I do, what I say, think or feel, at the end of the day, people so choose to see me as what they want to see. Akin the ghosts in Sixth Sense, and in that context, we're just wondering souls. No?
I suppose I rounded up the work for tomorrow, tonight, so that I can fully transmit the idea fully to myself: make time. But for what it may be useful for, that's when I'm in it. Too much planning makes me sick some times, and it's probably gonna screw up much more badly than I would have just walked in unknowing.
Guess the darker days have passed. Empty days have arrived.
Oh, read about some wizard in Harry Potter being gay and evangelists all over condemning that. How sad. Those boys and girls trapped in their little closets will then keep crying in them. I say when the world dies, you can go screw your freaking ideals about perfect life.
Made a new, little friend today. Not much to mention except it was comfortable chatting away. It's amazing how people can open and close like a clam over their own life-stories. And it's funny how people tickle themselves for the sake of doing so. Somebody said to me recently that he was baffled about the Singaporean behavior, how people have turned careful, and closed up. I've noticed to. For fear of losing the job is one, for fear of getting caught doing something wrong is another, but for the forgotten search of true happiness, that's the real critical issue at stake. I think the locals are going bonkers about their true meaning of living by indulging simultaneously in expensive, self-indulgent activities and sprees, and the blind search for what makes their hearts truly smile.
Well, as much as I am, you are just a name too.
It's been raining for the past few nights like the sky couldn't hold. The passing showers in the day are also getting aggressive. Inconveniences aside, I'm just wondering how soon I can hit the beach. Not much company at the moment cos everyone else is busy, which leaves me the odd ball dying for some warm breeze and afternoon sodas. And what so bad about being tanned?
Saw an old friend last Friday too, looking good and sounding firmer. Nice. Wish I have that sort of drive if not for my deterioration health. Yes, exercise will help I'm sure. But at the rate I'm traveling at it alone, it's an uphill task even to go for my ex-usual runs. Walking lots to work and from work is keeping my blood circulating for now. Hmm, maybe HOT SEX might help.
Hang on people, I'm gonna look for something to drink.
(Cursor Blinks. 10 minutes after, a glass of water and a small bottle of chips)
Well, after chips, I'm done tonight. Sleep tight world.
Yes, predominantly English educated yet, my diction flies all over the place, and language just falls flat sometimes.
Anyway, I thought there was always something done to cars they used in Hollywood movies that could fit people in the trunk. I decided to try it out after helping out on Kenny's shoot:
This is amazing! Who would have thought Kevin could even lie comfortably in the boot! It's almost like a sun-chair by the beach kind of feel!
So I decided to see if we could squeeze one more in, and viola! The trunk fits 2! Imagine how many we can carry in a normal car!
And of course, here's a re-enactment of stowaways! LOL
Please, kids should not try this because there is no inner latch to open the trunk from the inside, AND there is limited air supply too! So please don't try!
It's been quite exhausting for the last couple weeks dealing with work, with things in general I guess. Mind's drawing blanks almost at the start of everyday not knowing exactly where I should start. Horror is probably starting next week when I'm cramming loads of things spread over 2 weeks into 1, so that I can close the office for renovations asap. I don't know. I need time.
That's what I call hard-biting, ear-splitting, mind-blowing, senseless creative use of words, that worked out to a beautiful piece of 'live' threatening grunged-up night.
I just oh-so-love the rendition of Roses on Nightsound In Motion! What the heck, it's totally awesome the whole thing! Have you guys checked out the pictures yet? If you've not, you should go on to nightalive and check them out. Link on the left.
Anyway, totally crazy weekend coming right up, in totally all the wrong sense. But, I shan't care more. Take it as it comes.
Somebody once said that love is blind. Someone else said that life is what we make of. Yet another said that death is only the beginning.
So I guess heaven's a little too far away after all since we cannot put a finger on what it is eventually that starts or ends or would come to pass. I suppose I'm a little inspired tonight by 2 things: a young boy ushering her little sister across the crossings the other night while I was driving out. He was tender, made sure she stepped off the curb proper, constantly looked out for cars, and made sure she walked right.
The other: the last person I sent a message to over Friendster, which, would have been the only one today. I thought I just needed to get this off my chest: if love can be exchanged for items, than it really isn't it.
There, I said it.
Something else is bothering me of late also: where should I head for now? It's not like the end yet, surely, but somehow, it feels like I'm almost reaching heaven without my glorious wings or my bright rim light. It's like, the crawl's really far.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just sleepy after losing much of it the last couple days. Zzz time I guess. Sleep tight world.
Yeah yeah, so I'm this and I'm that. Heard so much evilised things under my name that I cannot even begin to recount, recap, or reconfigure that statistics. Numb is the keyword, and nothing beats hearing names, yet feeling so fleeting about it.
It's funny how some people, like yours truly, could invite so much talk and discussions without even amounting to much. Certainly, I might be a little weird, a little crazy, sometimes zanny, perhaps queer, but does it matter? I have my life, not like I consistently put a foot in others and disrupt their heavenly peace. It's just unfair that they get to talk, and I don't wor. Not fair! =)
Anyhow, I was posed a rather amusing question, yet again, on whether I am gay. Funny though, it's like asking if I like coffee, and why would I love coffee? Stereotypical as it may sound, I think preferences are personal agendas that need to be fulfilled only by the individuals, and not dictated by the masses. But in case you are still wondering - heck, you're still asking?
Now that things are kind of back to norm - the routines that killed the day-to-day excitement of living - work is panning out slowly and releasing a sense of buzz that would have totally killed me before. Perhaps it is the prospects of exacting the goal of paying back my truckload of loans that even Sparta would find it hard to break through. Like the bubble-tea phenomena, it doesn't take the hype to die too quickly, it just takes one single fattening fact to destroy the entire franchise.
Yo, dudes in the U.S. and U.K., you guys got bubble tea there? Should try, its sensational!
Oh, then you got to try this Bubble Gel at Happy Valley. In my not-so-well-versed-englis h-linguistic-skills, I think it simply just tastes like Cafe del Mar. Remember, its called the Bubble Gel, page 2 on the menu, last on the list. Five bucks, but worth every ounce, cent I mean. Just don't think about the fats piled on.
It's been almost a week after the show, and despite reality setting in like 8 hours after, we're still talking tons about it. Every conversation with people involved or attended yields a different aspect of the show that I wouldn't have known! It's just way cool - like Jack up the bean stalk and finding the giant, the gold, and blah blah blah. It's just amazing how different perspectives wield together in a woven web of one big funny spider =P
The funniest I heard so far was Kevin's anxiety attack just five minutes before we started. The most incorrigible: Xun knocking Kevin's guitar over at half-time. Yes Xun, I found out. And you're so in trouble! Ha! See how I'm gonna hammer you this coming week! Better ask your bosses if you can work from home, take a week off, or just get a 5-day MC.
Cute thing was, I had diarrhea about 2 hours before the show too. Hence, I deduce, like Alan, Euge, and Kevin, it was the Wantan Mee! Confirm ah. Where got so coincidental one?!
Still, I think digital cameras really suck. Depth of field is one of the most amazing thing with the naked eye. Just look at those pictures the pros took man. I look so... ORGASMIC.
Idling... =/
Argh! I can't stand it! The Lumix would jump off the block if it sees these!
Pictures by Lightbox Productions.
Coming back, was at the Arts House earlier with Lifen, cos we were so bored at the studio, and decided to head down to watch Allura play at Earshot Cafe (thank goodness I remembered the date, though screwed up the time a little). So while the guys were rushing their stuff, we were sipping orange juice and tapping to some fine music! Cool lah, these guys are so talented despite their age. I think the 5 of us got on the wagon too slow man. I shall therefore rejuvenate everyone by conducting Yoga classes a hundred times a week, teach the Karma Sutra proper, and get Alan a proper sex slave. Then we'll not only be as youthful, we'll be full of ideas.
Okay okay, I digress. The performance was awesome, the sound was great, and the band looked cool lah. It's times like these that I wish I had saved up enough money for a nose-job, botox, and puffier lips. Wait, one of the joke's already about my Taiwan sausage lips. Scratch that. $ saved.
So yes, good set!
Last thing on my mind today, is really loneliness. Someone empathised with the old folks who didn't have a place to sleep tonight due to some upgrading program. I concur. And I conclude that, at the end of the day, loneliness is the Number One killer anywhere in the world. Unless, of course, you're going extinct, then it wouldn't really matter would it?
I'm just feeling a little left out by myself tonight. Hope it catches on tomorrow and re-direct my already very spaced out mind.
Not like it's bugging me, but the morning after when I woke after the show, I was practically back to in the office sorting work out, and whatever spilled over from the show was just plain put on hold. What a way to start crappy when you aren't really in the right frame of mind. And a session on the very next day totally threw me off, considering I had the previous day engineered by someone else.
But it's nice, at least there is an end and a return.
So while we wait for everything else to be done, Xun, not enough updates then you find some yourself lor.
You'll actually walk right into it? It's funny, people who hit the jackpot literally fall apart thereafter, while those who get into it without even knowing has a bigger heart.
So someone complains about a lack of updates around here, blatantly surfing my blog in broad-daylight right in my doorstep! Now you know why there is an autoplay function for the music on this blog MUAHAHAHA!
Anyway, Clay sent some of his shots over earlier in the day and it was like... OMG... ORGASMIC. Need I say more? So please, send them over ASAP so that I can like blow up A2 size and drool all over myself...
Besides that, I'm just waiting to see what the rest have... gosh I can't wait!
I can't think of a better way to put it then that. The number of expectations grow by the day, and by the numbers, things are granted. That can be so disturbing. What ever happened to appreciating people for who they are, not what they can be?
I barely made it alive with my voice the last couple days. The strain over the weekend made it almost incredibly scary. I've never felt such a fatigue in the throat ever. Of course, trying get myself heard in an already noisy environment plain crushes the norm tonal volume. Well, if I carry on working till wee hours of the morning like the last couple days, I probably would be seating in the audience come Sunday.
Nonetheless, I'm finally feeling a little excitement. Learning to cope with being myself is interesting. And learning to take things easy is incredibly fulfilling. Best of all, learning about myself makes life a little more kaleidoscopic.
I've kind stopped on seafood and prawns. The rashes are receding, although it still bumps up a little here and there. But at least it isn't taking me down that badly for a couple days. Just hope it goes away completely. I'm just suspecting I've contracted some kind of new disease that's been passed on somehow. Never had rashes my whole time this bad, but lately, it just isn't going away.
I need rest, that much I know, and I'm also not getting enough. But, what can a poor boy laden with chores do about that?
It's not till today that I finally realise the last couple of weeks had been all wasted - I've learnt absolutely nothing, and had been just dragging my feet out for the long walk all that while. But I guess something somebody said jolted me out of the daze. And timely. With just a week to the show, I better hear it now then later.
True, it's been such a tough ride to the point I've been extremely disillusioned. Certainly hard to be in focus when everything else seem to be falling apart. I think I might have been too childish to the point where things are polarised and not anywhere near the finishing line.
So I finally decided to put some heart into what I was trying to do all these while, and perhaps, I thought, it should start with a more well-thought, better-phrased post on the online diary. It won't be as fantastic, but if it has a start point, surely, it ends somewhere.
Hence, the last couple of weeks swinging from tree to tree will now come to a halt. Stop the swinging to start making real work.
I would love to just visit the beach one more time before the show to seriously blank out and flee. Thoughts should not be cluttered but extremely fluttery to butter out the creases in the wounds. Sadly though, I think the only time left at this point to do anything substantially close, is sleep.
Neither the day nor the night has been kind, and that's already excluding the weather that seem to have broke its thermostat. Nevertheless, should it go on, the show must still go on.
I broke into a brief self-reflection of niceties today, just so that I can stop doubting the capabilities that surround the current preps. And through that, I saw an old-self, beaming in reality, basking in the sunlight of a certain life. Yes, it was passion that started this, perhaps passion shall do me in, but I don't care. I'm riding it through because...
It's worth it.
For those who have supported, thank you. For those whom have stopped, thank you. For those who never did. Thank you. It's the latter that has made me run the hardest and fastest.
I'll start tonight with a vengeance post: for people whom think I'm some kinda punchin' bag, beware. For every action, there is usually some kind of opposite and equal reaction. I'm letting things go at this point because time is of the essence and I have very limited ones to be returning the hits.
Since Monday I've been hit by an avalanche of pure maligns that got me squirming in my seat. Of course, that's not enough to justify my cowering stance at the moment. However, it does seem I'm bottling up more than just due scores: it's starting to turn into a major vengeance. And that, is not a good sign.
Behold though, Benevolence is found somehow. Literally, although digging the song out represents a very small fraction of my unstable mindset that is swinging wide like a shockwave.
Nevertheless, I'm volatile, and that means the next time somebody squeezes me, I probably won't just squeak.
Although, I think after this beautiful night ended, I might just bounce back to being quirky and playable. Husk, picking out buttons today with mom at the fabric stores was quite therapeutic I must say. And in case it gets the better of me, it be better to just shut and listen for now. Mom's got awesome taste. So do I! Gleefully!
I'm kinda hoping they round up all that ruckus around the home and office cos it's really starting to prick.
It was supposed to be a relaxing day after weeks of endless driving across work, show, and life. Well, it was. Till dad got into a motorway accident that left the car in much of a wreck. Funny thing was, he wasn't injured, but he appeared quite lost for words.
Perhaps the single most incredible thing that happened today was finishing what we needed to do, and actually spending some quality time, though brief, to ourselves tonight.
Maybe that helped to re-establish our heartfelt emotions towards next Sunday. It's been fun, and I'm already missing the bulk of it. If you haven't gotten your tickets to the show, or have yet to get a copy of the album, I don't know. I guess you are missing out on a lot.
If schedules like these for the past 3 months persists, I might be crawling to the show instead of putting up one.
It's embarrassing really. On one hand, I don't have a problem getting people to support, but on the other, it seemed to take forever. And the strangest thing is, I'm sitting at the edge of the ledge and everyone's doing the same. I don't get it.
Please help!
Album available at Earshot Cafe from October onwards.
I kept wondering how much of a deal I make to people really. I'm neither here nor there, quiet, and mostly reserved except with those I'm cool with, yet, the exuberance of a greater than life persona seem to stick.
