Reality hit me just moments ago at the gas station: 20 bucks and the fuel meter went up... ONE notch. I'm so not kidding. ONE miserable notch. Okay, to get a clearer picture, it has a total of 9 bars. That equates approximately 150 bucks to get a full tank. Forgive me, the last time I pulled into a gas station was months ago. But today, total shock... No wonder the attendant raised TWO eyebrows at me when I said "twenty".
Of course, I pulled out of the station in disbelief. Plus, for the fact that I've been traveling to and fro the home, the studio and the other studio like... with total disregard to the distance?!
And therefore, the truth is unleashed in the most unexpected way. The worst part is, I will have to run between both studios for the entire week coming... OMGx7.
Anyway, things are somewhat slowing down, hopefully, and I do look forward to a looser timetable come the week after. Darn, if not for a new Mac, I doubt I would need to work this hard...
Found myself packing my bags and running off to the beach out of the blue to get some peace, quiet, and sun. And for a change of scenery, I actually agreed to park at Cafe Del Mar... dumb...
Although... It was kinda nice a change of view...
And somebody's got to spoil the only picture I took of humans... How can this possibly be SEXY?!
Was the day I stood in front of an unmoving crowd at the show, begging and pleading folks to buy the album to raise funds for the kids. Guess what? I don't think anyone bothered.
Only 4 of us made it...
Cause and effect. That's what I would call my behavior for the last couple days. The mood swung wider than a pendulum, much like Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
In the fields of Lavender.
I've been dealing with a whole bunch of rubbish from the start of the day till now. Wait, make it since the start of the week till now. Obligations aside, I think I have fulfilled many parts of my bargain. What a fool does, is only in the eyes of another. It's been a really dumb time.
It's finally come. The vision that's marred the clarity of the crystal blue sky, with fragments of clouds that spears it in a unstrung ensemble of beauty weaved by the very unintended haul of mother earth.
I thought I could get over this as quickly, but it didn't.
I've just received a complaint, second one within the year, dealing with the same masterminds. It sucked. Really. I'm not sure if I did a bad job, or something's just getting truncated in-between. All I know is, all eyes, or more accurately, all ears on me now cos the danger of screwing up heaps on even more.
I'm so sure I've worked triply hard on whatever's been happening for the last 3 months. I'm so dead sure. Not a day I don't think about my work, about how to get it done, how to improve it, and how else to sweeten it. But yet, today's news was devastating. It just underlines 2 possibilities, one, I'm really not that good, or too, I'm way overworked.
The horrific moment was at about 6pm when I was just about to do a recording, my ears popped. All I could hear was a mish of sounds, of someone talking to me, a loud buzz, and a sandstorm.
I stood stoned for a minute, totally lost in the conversation I was in, and zoned out. Mark repeated his last question, and I snapped out of it trying to make out what he just repeated. My heart raced beyond count, and I think I nearly cried. Fears, are nothing but the most demoralising factor in life.
I was hoping to get home early today, but after my takeaway dinner, I just fell asleep on the sofa within seconds. By the time I woke, I was rushing to submit files. Now that I'm home and after all that bad news, it's hard to think, it's difficult to doubt, and it's making me sick.
Perhaps, I ought to learn to deal with myself in a lighter way.
I was sitting in front of the tv just waiting for the promotional clips to the series I'm currently working on. Exciting at first, cos I've heard so much about how they've invoked a real sense of watching tv again. But the more clips I saw, the more I felt... used.
Perhaps I can't adjust to the fact that people enjoy my ideas. Don't get me wrong, not that I've got any fabulous ones, but the pressure to perform not only took a toll, it switched the persona of self-expression to commercial viability in an instant.
For something so major, I was under-rated on so many counts - time was short, money was unjustifiable, and friendships were under strain of sorts. Just because it's big doesn't mean it gets the respect of polish.
That, I thought I've learnt the hard way before, but tonight, I re-educated myself on not learning it the hard way at all.
In our dog eat dog world we're in today, the typical type Aqua person must have been quite stressed with nonsensical breeches of trust over true ideals. I might be a little overwhelmed by that idea, but I certainly am living in it.
While the pursuits for perfection subsist with realistic idealisms, I'm finding myself caught in a war of fantasy versus crap. I'll rephrase that if I can, but I can't seem to find the words. Truth might be tough to swallow, but pretense is harder to sustain.
The harder part is when people are trying to avoid more screw ups, thinking you would, and suppress undue and unfair virtues by force, by will, and by nature. That in itself creates a vacuum of trust, and subsequently, blows the candles off the cake like dust on a box.
I'm done complaining - the relentless seeking for a grieving had run so minute and so meager. It's way past the U-turn to resolution, it's even past damage control, or what they would term risk management. Sickening. Let there be imaginations by the end of it.
"I have a million thoughts, I think we can get out of here, I only have one question... And it's raining again, all my life's just a shame, I will never again, I, mine."
