It must have been days on end that I have been distraught over everything. Have been sleeping on my sofa in a leaky room to the sounds of the machine drone, pondering and pondering back to back on what's to come.
What made it all worse was stumbling upon an old friend's text. It stopped me dead on my tracks feeling so un-learned, un-educated, under-achieved.
Not that I have failed transparent, but moving on seems to have taken a new direction.
The couple of writings I read represented a simple fundamental - the focus of the mind that relates directly to the simplicity of want. I want many things, he wanted on a few things. There isn't any basis for comparison: he has built a solid foundation without pursuing the possibilities of building it on; I have built a quick foundation and looked ahead, moving along.
So what went wrong? Was there too little time for me to build my foundation on my wants? Or was he too trapped in pursuing his basics?
I have many question that can be answered as I stumbled along. He had many answers that no questions could further explore. We are both trapped. At the intellectual level, he has deepened his understanding, I am exploring. On a realistic level, he is conservative, I am liberal and idealistic.
[LINE]
I sat watching Joshua across the table at some out of town coffeshop, just chatting. Business. A group of kids ran along the pavement by the side and started playing their special little secret games. The youngest probably about 4.
One of the little girls stood by the side, watching the others and their play. She broke a little smile each time the others squealed. I sat wondering why she didn't join in.
She did occasionally, but retreated to her own explorations of the surroundings so very often.
And she would smile each time the rest screams in excitement.
Visually, it must have been stunning. Audibly, it must have been joyful. Personally, it must have been beautiful. :wink: