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Time
05.14.04 (3:34 am)   [edit]
I'm beginning to feel a change in a lot of my own ways. There seems to be a mental shift of interests in things - things that meant a lot before but now replaced with new priorities?

Crudely, the whole ordeal eats in a little everyday, making me disbelief in my beliefs.

I no longer get the youthful vibes. Something is wrong. I'm not even excited about collaborations, exchanges, and even teachings. New projects and proposals are like a chore. It's as good as having to do the dishes for a family of 10.

Then there's breathlessness in coping with external ideals. I try. And I mean I really try, but somehow, I know there's a problem with an idea, but I just don't know how to correct it anymore. Not that I can't see the solution, but I just don't know how to put it, both in a friendly and diplomatic way. It then creates a vacuum where my own suggestions or comments become kept secrets.

And I can't bear to see things screw up. Yet, I let them. It's like sliding down a big water slide with no breaks or safety ropes. You jump in, you slide, you can't stop, and you keep going till you hit the water below. You won't know if there are things in between, or any obstacles at the end. You just keep going till the whole thing is over.

That's extremely vicious isn't it? And we put ourselves through it everyday.

Truncation seems to be second nature these days. For me, it doesn't quite matter what goes in-between, but what's important now is it happens, and making sure something comes out of it, whatever it may be.

If anyone is reading this, tell me this: What is the balance between what you think and how you feel? Meaning, if a favourite glass is broken, how should we strike a balance between thinking and feeling bad about it?

At sixteen, I immersed in a world of discovery. Eighteen saw maturity, twenty-one rediscovery, and finally at present a standstill. Should there be a mental test of endurance over societal norms, then I will most likely end up behind the witness stand thinking about the ordeal more than explaining myself to get out of the whole thing.

Let's share our ideas for a moment: One man meets another, they become good friends, they end up liking the same woman. All 3 are strangers to begin with. How do you decide what's best for them? Another quirk: One woman walks into a store, finds a 50 dollars bill on the floor, picks it up, gets caught by security for theft. How would you simplify this complication?

I was on the way home today, saw a little girl about 2 years old, running behind a man, squealing in delight. The man occasionally turned round to make sure she's okay. She spotted me walking a distance away, smiled at me with big eyes and rosy cheeks, then squealed again.

It melted me. Yes, she exemplified innocence. But who's next to flash me that sort of smile without obligations or intents? The same thing's gonna happen to you. :wink:
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