It's funny how things move on unexpectantly and pulls full-stop when you want it otherwise. It's different when people tell you you're un-replaceable, and no one holds your position better than yourself.
That was the prime message. And it goes beyond feeling elated about being an individual - it feels like you own the world, yet, have no power over to continue a legacy with the changing times.
And that, was the answer.
When we first got to work on the "I" album, what went on in my head were constant placements of images and imageries - out in the sun, way off in the open, no proximity to any localities or scrutinies to myself, and most importantly, a primary focus of a relationship forged on an anvil of obscurity.
What shed light on a direction was a premise of familiar strangeness and hope - a description of possibilities beyond calculable means. Something was born, but the offspring was a wave of uncertainties so expected yet unforseen.
From the onstart a premonition was felt and an end-result completely left to chances. Gut feelings became the order of the day like a primate on a wild hunt, possibly even a wild goose chase. Fact is, the proscpectus of living on the wild side became a carrot on the stick leading to certain fates and factual outcomes that would, in a big way, permanently concur an ill-fated feeling of loss.
But the imaginary friend that appeared soon becomes a shadow that would neither disappear nor be avoided - as the light grows stronger, the shadow looms precariously like some manic preacher. It then became a reminder of consequences that cannot be backtracked or reverse.
Then, there came the time of reflection into past, present and future that spells out the lightness of being who we were, how I was, what we were, and how things become so coincidental. Stories aside, reality has been but one big story in itself. The world then becomes as profound as it first began, and you wonder what becomes, how being, and when it ends. The strangest part - the path splits into annonymity and then becomes life itself.
I've seen how a plant grows, a flower blooms, the sun shines, the clouds form, the river flows; I've felt the wind blow, the rain drenches, the mood changes, the sun rises, the happiness within, the sadness dampens; I've heard the babies cry, the old folks sigh, the clocks ticking, the voices singing; all these, and I've so much to learn.
Last year I sat with a musician friend and suggested we write a christmas song. He had one in mind and we just recorded bits of everything. What we had in the end, 3 neat versions of the same song which I still put on my playlists today. A haunting tune is never complete with its music accompaniment, and that one version I cannot take away is that one I still wonder how it was done.
Christmas is so close now. I've been wondering lately why the guy(s) upstairs would want to put me through all these incredibly heartfelt day-to-day. I'm at my wits-end to compromise a living with obligations and loves, yet, I need solutions that none can help with and nothing that is good enough from my creative banks of thoughts.
I'm quite sure I've been good, been working hard on whatever comes my way; I've served my clients and those around me with the greatest commitment; maybe I've lied, maybe I've sworn, maybe I've been bad, but whatever bad stuff done, I'm also quite sure I've done enough to make up for all those past mistakes. I'd just like to know when I can come back round to be able to stand tall with my loved ones and say I have made it.
My recent escapades as an Islander had been happier days of my life up till this point. I cannot comprehend fully why it is so, but to be able to freely move on my own without having to conform to any form of jurisdiction, any sort or rules and regulations, to just feel free, I find blessings in it, for I could just let myself go and enjoy the freedom of being me - that, recently as I have felt, was better haven than anything else. Annonymity aside, no one laughs at me for being stupid, no on scrutinises me for what I do, and no one thinks I'm a freak. It feels great to be able to just, breathe, and nobody thinks you're wasting your life.
I think I am beautiful, and I would like everyone to know that no matter who they are, they are beautiful too. It hurts to be labelled anything below that, and I've been so labelled for years. I wish by this Christmas things could get better and people would just cool off with their perceptions. As a friend puts it, polarising personalities encourages hatred.
My wishlist this Christmas:
- to be able to get work
- to pay for and be on a holiday with my loved ones
- to buy myself a new pair of shoes, a pair of jeans, and a nice T, a new watch would be great
- to spend time on my own music
I don't want to be different. I used to think I am, but I guess I'd like to be a normal living person, healthy, getting by, just happy and blessed with life and not plagued by illness, rumours, slanders, and hitting walls everywhere.
Hope your preparations this Christmas will be one to remember~
:wink:
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