when nights and days are gone: the one you loved - be strong: what cannot fade will only haunt: what would not stay will soon be gone: what you believed will be yours

The dead walks again just like before: I thought I've heard it all, but I guess its simply a recurring nightmare of sorts that wouldn't give itself up like a flashbulb illuminating on its own. Since 4ft time, I knew I didn't possess much of a talent, let alone having the intelligence to tell that. I thought I was a smart kid, but it gradually slip-slided into orgasmic fantasis. And all that time, everyone called me ugly.

Such is the world of facade-thinking, where eyes react faster than the average erection or the heightened orgasmic response: I've used such extreme terms simply for the fact that, 'if not looks-at least money' syndicate living is so incorporated in our lives. The teacher called me a bad egg, my best friend called me mouldy, my brother called me a wussy, even my mom called me a hum-burger for crying lots. And it is exactly why i detest calling people names lest they are close to me - and even that would just be in jest - cos it hurts to be called something and you toss and turn in bed for hours till you lose sleep and appetite. Which also concludes: to me, good people are called darlings, bad people simply motherfuckers. All other choices are really unnecessary.

That probably explains why, after years of victimized n ame-calling, I became rather detached, and formed an unnatural emotional burden with the environment, wherever I may be. This, of course, wouldn't be the most rational explanation to offer on how unfathomable I have become, even to myself, and although it does somehow bridge the differences, it merely exemplifies the need to adopt a friendlier approach, even a more approachable approach, for people to people connection.

A couple of days back, a mother was tugging her crying 4 year old daughter down the walkway, rushing home presumedly, when she suddenly pulled her up to the front of an uncovered drainage, shouted at her if she would liked to be thrown in, making the girl cry profusely, shaking all over, and screaming that she wouldn't want to be.

It broke my heart.

For those who ever said that the world is beautiful can come lick me. At my ass.

Slowly, I begin to see why I have survived for this long, without fail, to unwavedly condition and motivate myself to live. It almost works like an equation which can = just about anything I do in life / say in life + think in life: just that I indulged in complete solo fantasies where I am not alone, and nobody thinks I'm crap. Truly, be yourself. Truly.

Some people believe in magic, some people believe in needs, some people believe in you and me.