ALL THROUGH TiME

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ALL THROUGH TiME
11.28.06 (12:09 am)   [edit]
Finally plucked the courage to tell my mom what's been happening since she's been away. Could see all that sadness in her eyes, and the disbelief that unfolded bit by bit, edged with trinklets of doubtfulness over what had happened.

I told her about how people were thrashing me, and she nodded. I told her about what those rumours did, and she looked away. I told her about what happened between me and my girl, she saddened. And I told her about a girl I thought as family but became a turncoat, she hid her gasp.

Then I told her how a film I was part of won big prizes, but I had to leave right after the prize presentation, just to avoid talk. And she brightened a little, although she felt bad that I had to go.

Such has been my life for the last one year plus, avoiding people, staying low key, taking in all that humiliation without even knowing why, just so that I could have some peace. I told mommy that, and she agreed that be the best way. I knew she was bothered, but I assured her that her baby boy has grown up and can take care of himself. That he would be strong, no matter what.

But I inched through that conversation in full masquerade, afraid that she might not take it well - I just wanted to keep her posted, and be proud of what I am doing. But as I spewed all that fake confidence and pride, all that fear and doubts were waiting to burst out every fraction of that second of speech. I survived this round.

I pondered.

How easily words of convenience could service a worry, or become a weapon of choice. Full-on, I'm not afraid to fight, I'm just tired of fighting. I don't see any point of fighting and slogging it out when nobody takes me on like a real gentleman.

I threw in the towel last year, hoping it would all wash away, but I never imagined it could keep going on by itself in full automatic.

Words here have become empty.

"And don't be sorry just to be sorry."

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