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WU Di
06.23.07 (5:13 pm)   [edit]
From yesterday:

"How should I put today into words?

It began when I hit the bed at 6am in the morning working on work, then woke about ten, rushed to the office to carry on the work. By lunchtime, a client popped by to drop stuff off, then I had a really slow lunch intermittent with work. It just went on and on till 3pm, when I couldn't take it anymore and just fell flat on the couch for an hour, amidst all that work.

And one really long hour.

I woke only to find the Mac misbehaving again, and the whole situation just deteriorated. Then talent showed early. Then client showed up with an unconfirmed script. Then a quick job started that became too darn long.

I was practically struggling. It's like, I no longer could find the physical energy to pursue quality, and certainly not heading towards speed.

What kinda swept me off was that sense of doubt and defensiveness that the talent was putting up but trying ass-hard to tone down: he knew the trio back in those days, and supposedly had a better relationship with them.

Having heard all that nasties that they've been spreading, I couldn't help but feel belittled by this guy, no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

It was difficult: I was tired physically, and even more so over trying to prove my worth, my individuality, and certainly, my innocence. It really sucks when the world listened, and judged. Victim or not, I have always been at the end of the line - somehow, in some ways, I just cannot rid the taboo that they have created: that I was the one who played dirty.

So the session ended, and it just ended there, with me in front of the computer, trying my best, putting forth all efforts to stay focused, and completely distracted from the whole issue. At one point, I just stoned.

I know my brother told me to put it all behind. So did everyone else in the family. And everyone around me. But remember, I'm still consoling, I've yet been consoled.

As I sat blank, self-pity and aches just simply crawled over, and that was it. The Universe of Hope became the Depths of Despair in an instant, and I just wallowed in the pyre. While I was betrayed, I was labeled. And as I was blamed, I was condemned.

Perhaps the many people who read my life and fortunes were right about one thing: I would not attain peace till much later. A decent and comforting thought, but consider this, the strength that carries oneself, by oneself, would have already made it so. Else, the game ends, and someone wins and someone loses.

There was this aura in the studios today, as if someone or something was deliberately delaying my work in the office, making it impossible to go on, just so that I would come home to my only safe-haven.

That very same aura also brushed past me like an enlightenment of sorts, bringing with it a funny feeling of helplessness amidst a glimmer of hope..."

That was supposedly posted last night, but I think I forgot to hit publish =)
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