I kept wondering how much of a deal I make to people really. I'm neither here nor there, quiet, and mostly reserved except with those I'm cool with, yet, the exuberance of a greater than life persona seem to stick.
It really did begin this morning when news broke that someone in the extended family was down with cancer. One thing led to another, mom lamented about me and my limited capacity and resources to provide for. I wasn't hurt by that remark, for I do understand everyone's need to put down their hearts and feel the breeze of peace, and as such it is no wonder she would lament. Nag in local terms.
But I've no heart myself to tell her I would have moved out if not for mom and pops just so that I can have some of my own space, time, and loneliness. Perhaps loneliness did put us together in some odd way, then again, it's hard to break away.
With that, she literally lambasted my efforts to calm her down with logical and positive thinking, citing that she should just shut her trap for good. I guess the pressure really got to her, like it does every other time.
I left it as that for today. Probably leave a little earlier tomorrow so that she can sulk with her friends. It's tough to sulk with family, especially when I'm the son.
Nevertheless, when I got to work, I literally fell over the prospect of working through the day. If commitment is one thing, acting on it takes a whole lot more energy. And as I grind my way through, I managed to salvage an hour of nap time before the presentation. By the time I woke up and got the call, the scheduled presentation was an hour later. That was when I actually cursed at being at work today at all.
Well, some changes are good. I've certainly grown to groom and look after myself a whole lot more. To the point I think clients do mistake me as some fresh graduate some times. Funny thing is, I don't mind, but they do. It's hard to convince clients when they take you a whole lot younger and under-established. Needless to say, I breezed through today's without much comment - just beamed and smiled my way through to get the job done.
It got done, and that was that. But some serious thoughts did put me back a whole lot: I'm but a name, not really anything more.
Frustrations of world- and clock-works do make us bend backwards at times, but considering the salvation of our own minds do speed it up and re-create a vacuum of namelessness. It doesn't matter what I do, what I say, think or feel, at the end of the day, people so choose to see me as what they want to see. Akin the ghosts in Sixth Sense, and in that context, we're just wondering souls. No?
I suppose I rounded up the work for tomorrow, tonight, so that I can fully transmit the idea fully to myself: make time. But for what it may be useful for, that's when I'm in it. Too much planning makes me sick some times, and it's probably gonna screw up much more badly than I would have just walked in unknowing.
Guess the darker days have passed. Empty days have arrived.
Oh, read about some wizard in Harry Potter being gay and evangelists all over condemning that. How sad. Those boys and girls trapped in their little closets will then keep crying in them. I say when the world dies, you can go screw your freaking ideals about perfect life.
Made a new, little friend today. Not much to mention except it was comfortable chatting away. It's amazing how people can open and close like a clam over their own life-stories. And it's funny how people tickle themselves for the sake of doing so. Somebody said to me recently that he was baffled about the Singaporean behavior, how people have turned careful, and closed up. I've noticed to. For fear of losing the job is one, for fear of getting caught doing something wrong is another, but for the forgotten search of true happiness, that's the real critical issue at stake. I think the locals are going bonkers about their true meaning of living by indulging simultaneously in expensive, self-indulgent activities and sprees, and the blind search for what makes their hearts truly smile.
Well, as much as I am, you are just a name too.
It's been raining for the past few nights like the sky couldn't hold. The passing showers in the day are also getting aggressive. Inconveniences aside, I'm just wondering how soon I can hit the beach. Not much company at the moment cos everyone else is busy, which leaves me the odd ball dying for some warm breeze and afternoon sodas. And what so bad about being tanned?
Saw an old friend last Friday too, looking good and sounding firmer. Nice. Wish I have that sort of drive if not for my deterioration health. Yes, exercise will help I'm sure. But at the rate I'm traveling at it alone, it's an uphill task even to go for my ex-usual runs. Walking lots to work and from work is keeping my blood circulating for now. Hmm, maybe HOT SEX might help.
Hang on people, I'm gonna look for something to drink.
(Cursor Blinks. 10 minutes after, a glass of water and a small bottle of chips)
Well, after chips, I'm done tonight. Sleep tight world.
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