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TO RUN
12.05.07 (12:26 am)   [edit]
Welcome home =)

"Have I got a long way to run". So says the lyrics. And so says I.



Was up in JB over the weekend for my cousin's wedding. Didn't manage any pictures primary cos I forgot to bring the camera, and I would have been too tired to take any, anyway. Still, it was fabulous to catch up with everyone, especially when all are grown up and looking good! Didn't know I had so many model-type faces in the family though...

The luncheon was kind of haphazard, especially when the master of ceremony was quite stage-unfriendly. I guess it would have just taken the zest out of the whole thing had he not been... spontaneously poor in his speech.

What got me on Sunday was probably what got me really depressed. We visited my 4th aunt at the center, and she wasn't looking very cheery. She can't talk, but teared loads when she saw mom and 2nd aunt. Apparently, a caregiver had done her rounds again, hitting her as punishment. The family was naturally infuriated, although, 4th aunt's temper wasn't exactly very desirable too.

I reckon it was once a while that we would see her, but every visit I made just didn't make it any better. Not that I am any use, but she needs constant supervision, medication, and care, certainly something beyond my capabilities. Nonetheless, although it felt sucky, I was glad I saw her.

Didn't bid goodbye, cos I would very much want to go back visit her more regularly. But being surrounded by mental patients of varying ages, it's tough to imagine how I would head back there on my own. She probably wouldn't recognise me.

Sadly.

Mom packed a big drumstick from the luncheon for her, and seeing her enjoying it out of a plastic bag, that's really heart-breaking. When grandma was still around, she at least had constant love. Now, it's turned into a festival-type occasion.

A festival-type occasion.

The cruelty of reality. Where the mundane meets total psycho.

I can't quite describe the scene, except, a 2-storey long-house, setting sun casting long shadow in black against blown amber, zipping flies, warm breeze, cloudless skies, a sickly medical stench in the air, distant traffic, groaning patients, silent visitors.

----------+----------


I've been getting randomness over work of late. Not that I've been lazy or sub-standard, I've just been pushed around by fickle clients who cannot make up their minds over when or where to do their things. It's frustrating when things get moved around and I can't settle down to actual work, and even more so when they decide on some other prep work.

It is seriously diminishing my capabilities at even half my potential to produce anything substantial.

I'm so looking forward to more settled days. Jaded is a feeling that has very much overshadowed the brightness of the days, although the rain did help settle things down comparatively to previous nonsensical Monday-everyday. Still, it would be awesome to just take a day off and reflect on the past few weeks and months, and perhaps kick myself in the ass for failing, or patting my own back for trying.

Gone are the days where substance still has a place in material, and thoughts get fleeting for the better.
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